The book of Job has always had a huge influence on me. That's the book in the Bible that I've compared my life story to the most. Now I'm not going to lie, I just Google searched this picture, but I found it on perfect timing. Prior to writing this post, I had spent the last 15 minutes just spending time in very intimate worship with Christ. I had only listened to 2 songs ("Fire Fall Down" and "Lead Me To The Cross" by Hillsong), but they were enough to truly bring me into worship and communion with the Lord. Now let me explain what brought me into worship this afternoon, because it just wasn't because.
Before I listened to those two songs, I had sinned. The nature of the sin doesn't need to be shared, just known that I had sinned. I had fought the sin the previous night and actually won, yet for some reason, I couldn't this afternoon. I have no idea why. I might never know, but the fact is that I really feel that God used that sin to make me think and realize a few things. I had opened up biblegateway.com earlier. When I returned to it I was in the book of Psalms. The other day I had stumbled onto Psalms 51. Little did I realize just how important that chapter was going to be in my relationship with Christ. So I looked that chapter up and the verses that really had caught my attention more than any of them was verses 15-17 which says "Help me to speak, and I will praise you, Lord. Offerings and sacrifices are not what you want. The way to please you is to feel sorrow deep in our hearts. This is the kind of sacrifice you won't refuse." (CEV).
Lately, I've been dealing with a lot more than I would probably care to admit otherwise. I've been having a hardening of heart towards many things. Both inward and outward. I've been having a huge confidence problem. I don't feel strengthened to accomplish the desires of my heart. I've been doubting, I've been angry, sad, and confused. Honestly though that's really just the tip of the iceberg.
I've also been hurt outwardly, from brothers and sisters in Christ. Some who know (or should know) that they hurt me, others who don't. There was an "older brother" in Christ who tried to play himself as holier than thou against me when I called him out on something. I was really really hurt by this dude and have lost every ounce of respect for him. I've also been hurt, or at least have felt hurt, by others within church groups. I've always been accepted by almost any church group I've been a part of, but I don't feel included in a lot of things outside of group activities. I've been facing loneliness. It may be myself entirely or it might just be my pride, but I've been feeling neglected by a lot of people lately. I know people are always busy, but it really has made me feel hurt to know that I don't get included in things.
However, I'm not the type of dude to just straight up talk down on anyone and everyone. That would be wrong of me and be very prideful and arrogant of me. It would also hurt me more in the long run. I still very much love my church fam. In a lot of ways they are really all I have. I know that I'm loved by them and I know they want to help see me succeed just as much as I want to see them do the same. I just kinda wish sometimes I could get more encouragement from time to time.
Now I will say that I do have some problems with modern day Christianity, but I will go into that in a later post. Trust me though, these are problems that the church needs to understand, because they are real and the church in general has become so oblivious to them it's no wonder that we wonder why non believers bash us.
But for now, I'll end off by saying that I'm very humbled that God has been and will continue to be working in me. My chisel season is continuing and I pray that God will use me in the most unexpected ways. For now though, I hope and pray that everyone has a safe and Merry Christmas, and I'm sure I'll put something new back up sometime between Christmas and New Years. Safe travels everyone and God bless
Till next time
Richie Tha Rapper
