"If You See This": A Poem

If you see this, you know who you are
You know that I'm still here
Wishing I could hold you in my arms

You can call this cheesy, but believe me
it's not easy, knowing I've got so much fighting for my heart
and I don't know what will deceive me

Why has fighting for you become so hard though
Every thought of you has me working out my breath call it cardio
I've been pushing my limits just to see how far it'll go
You the princess always in another castle got me feeling like Mario

You've been the most consistent so sorry if I sound a bit obsess
but we haven't even seen each other in 3 months, I think it's time to end this recess
My goal as a man of God was to love you, not to manipulate
and replicate the "men" of the day, to get you to stay up late
push to intimate, and end in sex

You a queen and you don't even realize
cuz all you've ever known are the lies
but if you could see through a different pair of eyes
you would know that you're worth so much more
than the effects of borderline

At this point I don't care if people know who I'm talking about
I love you girl, you're all I seem to think about
I pray for you, I'd be more than willing to stay for you
No matter how many times you hurt me I will never hate you

But here comes the flip side
The moment that caught my blind side
We both ended up turned around
and now something is eating me alive

I wish that we could try it out
all the laughs and anger, we could have cried it out
For you, I would go to hell and back
You better believe...you can run and tell that

I was willing to fall for you
Now let me see if I can rise for you
I've been told that I spent to much time for you
but it was worth every dime for you

We can't deny we clicked
but there was always tension
I could hear the story in my head
and it was much stranger than fiction

If this indeed the end, then let me begin
to share how honored I've been
to share in your life
your smiles, your tears
your blood, your sweat
your joys, your fears

If you see this I pray that God will bring you closer to him
and if it's his will the day we meet anew will become closer again.

 I love you.....

But God loves you more.

Why "Churchy Answers" Don't Help The Church

“Why ‘Churchy Answers’ Don’t Help The Church”

I’ve attended several churches over the last 8 years and as I reflect for a moment I realize something that has just begun to greatly bother me. I’ve noticed that somehow, we as Christians, have trained ourselves to give answers to problems in a very, well….churchy way. When we’re presented with a challenge, mainly when trying to help a brother or sister in Christ out with a problem s/he is facing, we have this tendency to give advice or solutions that you usually hear from the pulpit. Now this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, however, from my experiences, as well as what I hear and see from others who are constantly struggling, this approach tends to be the go-to approach for when we want to help, and there’s a problem with this. Though the intentions are almost always good and pure, giving someone purely a “churchy answer” may not be the best or even right way to help. In fact, giving just “churchy answers” might actually damage your relationship with the person or people that you’re trying to help. In turn, damaging the church.

Speaking with myself included, when a person (doesn’t even have to be Christian) comes to a Christian for help, they usually come with the hope and mindset that that person will be able to act upon providing help (or at the very least attempt). I’ll use myself as an example here and try to keep the details vague, as not to call out or appear that I’m calling anyone specifically out. All growing up I got use real quick to always being the loner kid. I generally accepted it, but it always bothered me that whatever friends I did have never really went out of their way to try and get to know me, and I mean really try to know the real me. This really hurt me when my Christian friends wouldn’t do this. Even friends of mine from church did this to me. They’d talk to me at church, but wouldn’t say a word to me in school. They wouldn’t even check up on me, and if they did, it wasn’t exactly because they thought “Hey, I should go check on Richie to see how he’s doing.” It was more of “Oh Richie’s walking by. Might as well say hi while he’s here, then I got to get to class.” Or something like that.

I’ve always been very socially awkward, mainly because I didn’t really have friends until high school, and even then, the friends I had weren’t exactly great influences at the time (though, one of them has recently believed or re-believed in Jesus, so that’s been pretty awesome). I have a high fear of rejection. I have trust issues. I fear abandonment. I’ve been told that I’m a survivor. Sadly, that’s 100% accurate. It’s also sad, because with being a survivor, I am also very skilled at doing what I have to do to survive, and sometimes I make decisions that I regret later. I wasn’t prepared for the real world, for adulthood, and so I’ve been having to make due with what I have and what I know. At the same time, I also have to rely on God, and what or who he’ll use to help provide and get me by. It’s really tough trying to live with the mindset that God is providing when he uses someone to help you and all you can think of is your survival skills. I use to be ashamed to ask people for help, because I felt that I’d be manipulating someone for something or, because they would reject me. Even now, I have to try to shake those feelings when I go for help for certain things.

Fortunately for me, and surprise surprise, for you as well, God works in mysterious ways through the ordinary. The last couple of years have been extremely rough for me, and even that is a massive understatement. Through a long, complex series of events, God has been bringing out all of the problems, emotions, and pains that I’ve been repressing throughout the years and has begun working on them. Needless to say, I wish that it could just be done and over with so I didn’t have to go through all of this pain, but of course, I’m not God and God always knows what he’s doing. God has been using a couple of people in my life right now to help me start building the most fundamental thing of really anything that has to do with positive things (most vague, generic statement ever!): Trust. God has been working through an older gentleman and a couple of guys my age to help me start trusting not only in people, but in Him as well. It’s still shaky, but I’ve trusted God a lot more lately now than I ever have in my past, all because he’s brought people into my life that have proven themselves trustworthy.

To slightly change gears here, and go from positive to slightly negative, I want to talk about the actual topic of this post. While I’m typing this, I’m not sure exactly how I want to present my idea about this, but somehow my idea will be completely written, so go with this and hopefully it’ll make sense.

How have “churchy answers” affected me? Well, quite frankly, a lot. The statement “Actions Speaks Louder Than Words” may sound cliché, but they are completely true. Especially for people with any kind of social or psychological issue. I’m so used to hearing people say one thing and completely do something else. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but quite frankly, for me, it is really hard for me to trust people. Sadly enough, this has even affected how I view my church family. I won’t go into detail, out of respect and the fact that at some point I want to address my issues I have with my church personally, but I want to present you with a challenge. The main problem that I feel is current within the ENTIRE church body is this: We simply do not take the time to invest in each other, and communally, help tackle each others problems. We’re quick to take care of the surface issues, but we like to stay stuck in our comfort zones. We like to think that when it comes to the deep issues, we only worry about our own. We think that we cannot do anything to help someone get out of the dark areas of their lives, sinful or not. We get afraid of what might happen to us when we go out of our way to make a distinct impact on someone’s life, no matter how big or small the impact, or how big or small the issues the person is facing. And to be fair, it is difficult. When you invest in someone and really try to be there and be active in their life when they deal with major issues, it can take a lot out of you, but believe me when I say that if you do it with the right intentions and depend on God, he will give you the strength you never knew you had. I know this from personal experience.

So, as a challenge, I’d like to present a list of things that you can, and should try, when you are presented with someone who is hurting and may very well need you, and I mean YOU. Check it out:

#1. Act Godly Advice, Don’t Just Give It.

It’s easy to simply give someone a piece of scripture to read or to simply say “I’ll pray for you”, but it could be more detrimental to actually sit down and read through an entire section of scripture or pray for someone right on the spot. Or if you want a biblical reason, well James 2:15-16 comes to mind. “15 Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. 16 If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it?” (NIV)  For all you know, speaking or acting when someone approaches you may make all the difference on how a persons relationship with God will go. Always keep that in mind.

#2. Make Time For People, Don’t Let Time Make You

Generally, when most people are asking for help, it usually means that in some way, shape or form, they are looking for someone who will spend time with them to help them overcome their current situation. As we all know, we live in a very speedy society where time isn’t really on our side, and that’s our own doing. We get so caught up in what we’re doing that we lose sight of what Jesus called us to do. He called us to look out for others interest (Philippians 2:4), bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2), to love one another with brotherly affection (Romans 12:10), be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as Christ has forgiven you (Ephesians 4:32), and maybe one of the most important commandments of all is the Greatest Commandment. Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself. I’m sure it’s no surprise that we like to make time for ourselves, but we’re told to think of ourselves less. So if you enjoy making time for yourself, but want to live out Jesus’ greatest command, try making time for others as well. Even those who don’t need help, but I challenge you to make them your top priority.

#3. Leave Judging To Judy…Or God. Mostly God.

If there was one flaw that I wish I could magically erase from all Christians, it would be that we all think we have the answer or solution to everything. Or better yet, that my way is the right and/or best way. Quite frankly, we may belong to Christ, but we’re still human. When people who are hurting come to you the last thing they want to hear is you telling them that it’s their fault and that they got into it themselves. Regardless of how true or not that is, that doesn’t help…at all. In fact, it usually makes things worse. I’m sure if you came to me with your bills and taxes problem, the last thing you want to hear me say is “Well, you shouldn’t have used up your credit card on that 90” flat screen T.V., BMW, Pool Table, and your own personal liquor collection. Then you wouldn’t be over $9000 in debt.” No one wants to hear that. I make light of that, but the fact of the matter is that, for the most part, people already know why they are having a problem. They just don’t know how to fix it or get out of it. When helping someone deal with sin (or even just a bad habit), judging them is the last thing you want to do. In fact, you shouldn’t want to do it at all, ever. If a person brings up something going on in their life that they need help getting through, telling them that it makes them a bad person is pretty much a nail in the coffin and you may have just screwed yourself in helping them, and possibly screwed that person’s confidence and trust in either you, God, or themselves. There’s a time and place for rebuking sin, but judging someone should be done by God and God alone, and occasionally Judy.

And finally, #4. He Who Has An Ear, Let Him Hear

Something that I’ve been trying to work on over the last few years is listening to people, and I mean actually listening. Not listen for a bit, and then interject a thought or idea that I have, but actually take the time to sit, and really pay attention to someone talk, even if I find it annoying or difficult to be still. Going back to James, I get challenged when I read the famous scripture, “Be quick to listen and slow to speak.” (James 1:19), but it’s so important. I get frustrated at both others and myself. I get frustrated at others, because very seldom do I get people who are willing to fully listen to me, and I get frustrated at myself because I’m not exactly the greatest talker. So telling people what’s going on gets tough, and thus, usually, people listening to me gets even tougher. Listening is a choice, and it’s a hard one. You have to have the right attitude and mindset when you choose to listen to someone talk about what they’re going through. If you don’t give that person you’re full attention, they will begin to think that they are wasting your time, and that never helps. While we’re on the subject, something that Christians as a whole, myself included, needs to work on more is listening to God, and I mean really listening to God. Exactly like I’m talking about here. The next time you pray after reading this, be completely still and quiet and listen to see if God says anything to you. He may surprise you.

So, this has been one of the longest posts I’ve ever written. I’m pretty sure I could even make this a sermon, but it’s something that’s been on my heart for a while, and something that I think needs to be addressed within the Christian community. We, as the body of Christ, want and desire to go out of our churches and homes and go share God’s message with our communities, our cities, counties, states, country. Our whole world. However, even though we still make impacts all over the world, and praise God for those impacts, we can never make a fully complete impact out there if we can’t make an impact inside the Body. It creates tension and division. It creates mistrust. If we can’t be there to help each other, then what good are we really going to be to those who we want to share this amazing, perfect savior Jesus Christ? In short term, it may look good, but from a long term, possibly eternal perspective, it’s caused problems in the past, and history is always doomed to repeat itself.

To put it much simpler: Churchy Answers will never help the church, but Christ-like Actions will.

Till Next Time

Richie Tha Rapper

A Reflection of My First Week Being 21

So, my 21st birthday was last week, and I've been meaning to write a blog since the first minute of my birthday. I wanted to write about how I was feeling the few hours prior to my 21st birthday, and the realization that came to me when the clock struck midnight last Sunday.

So for my international readers, in America, as you might be aware of, the legal drinking age is 21, and as such, most people get super hyped for it. I mean you can drink alcohol legally now, you can gamble, plus all the things you can do at 18 stay with the deal (although, you do have to renew your drivers licence, which is kind of a downer). I was no exception. I had never thought I was going to live to see 21, let alone 18, and so knowing the fact that I was about to reach an age that I thought I was never going to see really started getting to my head, and by 6 PM the night before my birthday, I let the hype of knowing that I'm going to be able to drink legally get to my head. I was so pumped for this, not because I wanted to get drunk, but I do like the taste of most alcohol (for the record I didn't get drunk that night. I was with a couple Godly men who kept me in check). I was so excited, I was going to be able to go into bars and have drinks, I was going to be able to really experience what the bar scene on a Saturday night was like, but as I've been reflecting, there was something else about the night leading up to my birthday that got me all excited: People were going to be paying attention to me. People were going to be taking time out to focus on me and help me celebrate this big milestone. I'll tell you what, the attention I got during my birthday was a high that I haven't felt in a long time.

It was a high that has since worn off as this last week has gone by. I've still gone and had a few drinks here and there, and  I still get asked if I feel 21 yet, to which I answer, with a laugh, yes. But for the most part, this last week has been just as normal of a week as any other week. Went and visited my mom for a few days, went to a banquet, painted part of my church, slept through service this morning, and now writing this blog post. Not exactly an every week thing, but nothing crazy.

But here's something I really wanted to mention in this post (actually this point is the very reason I'm writing this post), something that came to my mind as I was heading towards the bars last Saturday night. As I was walking, I could feel myself getting really hyped over knowing that within 15-30 minutes I was going to be able to go into my very first bar. I could literally feel my body shaking with excitement, and as I got closer to the bars, this thought occurred to me: "If I'm feeling this hyped right now over going to drink alcohol, why can't I feel like this everyday for my Lord Jesus?" I almost stopped walking to let that thought really sink in for a bit after it occurred to me, but I kept walking. It didn't leave my mind though, and that thought has stuck with me all week. It's stuck with me because it's so true. Why don't I feel so hyped for Christ on a day in-day out basis? Maybe it's my human nature. Maybe it's the circumstances my life is in right now. Maybe it's the people that are in my life.

Maybe it's because my faith has gotten so weak, that I'm hanging on to Jesus by a thread.

A problem that has been recurring in my life is having a hard time feeling like anybody cares about me. I mentioned this in my last post, and unfortunately it hasn't changed much over a couple week time span. I really wish that I could feel loved and cared for by not only other people, but Jesus as well, and not have any doubts about it, but I do, and I think that's why the excitement of my birthday went to my head. When I went to my mom's house, I realized that with this problem comes other problems. I've always turned to eating as a coping method, and since turning 18, cigarettes as well. Two things that I did a lot of over the course of 2 days while visiting my mom, and I'll tell you what. After consuming as much food and cigs as I did, not only did I hate myself for how I handled things, my body did as well. It still kinda does. It's a problem that I haven't been able to overcome and I fear that it'll get worse.

I have been in such a darkness my whole life that even my faith in Jesus is blurred. It's been so blurry that I have to admit that I may have been putting hope in the wrong things. I have to admit that I haven't been able to hear God speak to me, and even go as far as to say that I have been, purposefully or not, disobeying what He's telling me to do, and that's even assuming that I know what he's telling me to do. I don't have very much light coming through my life. I have little pockets here and there, but it seems like no matter what I do to get through to the light, the darkness continues to dwell and it's a fight that I hate so much.

So that brings me back to my thought: Why can't I be as hyped for Jesus as I was for being able to finally drink alcohol? I think the answer, no, I know the answer lies in my heart. My perception of reality has been skewed for as long as I can remember. I don't know what, but I know there's something wrong with me mentally. And I can feel the spiritual warfare going on in and around me almost every waking moment of my life. I know it's tiring for me, and I know it's got to be just as tiring for those who are trying to be involved in my life.

I don't have a plan just yet as to how I'm going to fight this, but I can tell you that after the first week of being 21, my life looks very uncertain, but I know God has it in control. I just have to learn how to battle the doubts and find out how to have the faith to feel him guiding me, and that's going to be a battle that I will be scared to death to fight, but I will take it one step at a time, and will do everything I can to let God meet me where I am and work from there.

I still plan on enjoying the benefits of being 21. I still plan on having drinks from time to time. I plan on partaking responsibly and not going out and getting drunk, at the very least not in public. I will continue to search out God and his will for my life, and allow him to work on me so that way I may be able to go out and become a light in this very, very dark world. Nothing's going to happen overnight, but I know that he will make things clear over time. I just pray that I'll be able to start seeing God doing work around me. Allowing me to feel his love and presence through those around me, and that I may be able to be used to show others around me the same.

So until next time may God shine upon you and give you peace. May you be blessed and given strength.

Until next time

Richie Tha Rapper.

Oh! And by the way. Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

How Do I Live?

Taking a look at my life and I have come to realize something. I am a survivor. I survived growing up without my parents, I survived being away from any and all biological family, I survived the foster care system, I survived high school, and I’m barely surviving adulthood. Now that I’m about to turn 21, I realize that the rest of my life starts now, but I would go as far as to say that now my life actually begins. The question is: How do I live the rest of my life? I have quite a lot of battle scars that are beginning to surface. I have a lot of hurt, abandonment, anger, fear, and guilt. I have resentment towards how my past went and how it got me to where I am now. However, as much as I know I do, I don’t want to hold onto my past. I want God to be able to use my past to change me to become someone I never dreamed I could be. I want to be used by God for big things. I want God to use me to help bring together unity among the entire Christian body, regardless of denomination. I want to become a loving, faithful husband and father someday. I want to make music to express everything I’ve gone through. I want to be able to look back and say that I actually lived my life to the fullest. To live in a way that is pleasing to God and where I can say that God used me to further his kingdom. But first, I know I have to work on me, or better yet, I need to learn how to let God work on me.

I know I haven’t posted anything in a while, and I feel bad about it. Using this blog was actually becoming very beneficial for me, but over the last several months to a year, I haven’t exactly been feeling very well mentally (and probably physically and spiritually either). My life lately has been a huge roller coaster of thoughts, emotions, and situations that has brought me to a place I never imagined myself going. It’s been a very dark place that many people have seen, but very few understand. I’ve found myself slowly falling away from Christ, and it’s a feeling I hate, but I haven’t been able to have the right spark of motivation to allow God’s love and grace burn in me like it has before. I’ve been walking the devil’s turf, and he’s been playing strictly by his rules. I’m very grateful that God hasn’t abandoned me yet. I pray he never does. My life started off as a rut and then turned into a giant sinkhole.

I’ve felt how my life has been effecting my relationships with others. I’ve lost several very important relationships due to this darkness that I’m in. I’ve felt it effect how I think. I’ve felt it hinder me taking responsibility for myself and begin to start manning up. It’s been one of those things where I want to be responsible and become a man, but at the same time, I still have this part of me that wants to try and make up for the most crucial part of my life: Childhood. I have always longed to not only know, but also feel like I’m part of a family. A real family. That’s what my hope has been since I’ve been with my current congregation. I know that everyone there who knows me loves and cares about me, but a lot of the time I don’t feel it. I think that may be due to what my idea of a family is. One of the things I desire most of all is to have someone, or even a few people, who are willing to fight for me no matter what. Who won’t leave no matter how hard or far I stumble and fall. I know now that I’m an adult, my parents are now back in my life, and don’t get me wrong, I love both my mom and dad with all my heart. I appreciate them working on rebuilding a parent-son relation with me, even if it is only at a friendship level, but even so, I know that no matter how hard they try I know they won’t be able to be there for me in the ways that I would need them to be. If they ever read this, I’m sure that statement will probably sting a bit, and I’m sorry, but it’s true. They may be able to help with several physical needs and give some helpful advice, but when it comes to my spiritual needs, I just won’t be able to get what I need from them.

That’s why I NEED a church family. I NEED more than just people to ask me how I’m doing when I walk into the building on Sunday morning or Wednesday evening. I NEED more than people to approach me when it’s convenient for them. Engage me. Seriously, I’m not overly complicated. I’m just a bit guarded, that’s all. I get so tired of feeling like I’m on everyone’s backburners all the time. I’ve felt that way my entire life. People I knew would only be with me if it was convenient for them or if they just happened to be near me. Seriously, I know I’m not the only person who has felt like this, it sucks. Now don’t get me twisted, I’m not trying to make myself sound like an attention whore. Far from it. I just deal with a lot of little to no self-worth and I just want to feel like me continuing on this journey we call life is worth it. I want to know that if my presence here on this earth has been used by God to change people for the better. I firmly believe that God has a purpose for me, and everyone, I just haven’t found what exactly that is yet. I’ve just been having a difficult time trusting what I believe, because of what I see around me. I wish I had the confidence, and the faith, in myself and God to let him use me for any opportunity that he brings my way to work my faith, but sadly, I just haven’t been able to. And I feel like that’s ok at the moment. That’s where I’m at in my faith. I’m still very much a baby in the faith, even though I accepted Christ into my life back in 06, and got baptized in 2011, but I haven’t had anyone discipline me and keep me fully accountable with my relationship with Christ. I’ll admit, I don’t read my bible as much as I should (I have a bible app, so I don’t have an excuse as to why I don’t), I’ve struggled with several sins that most people commonly struggle with: Porn, not eating healthy, smoking, cursing, laziness, and lust. Among a few other things. I know I have the ability to change, but I just haven’t been disciplined into doing what is commanded of me: putting my selfish desires to death. And I’m working on it, it just feels like I’m working pretty slowly, and that’s something I pray God will continue to work on me with. I’m prayerful that he will answer my prayer to bring people into my life, or back into my life, who are willing to invest in me. I’ve been told that I have to go through these things in my life by myself, and that’s fine, but can someone please help me learn how to fight through these things so I don’t fail? That’d be nice.

On a small tangent, I’ve been told that I’m a very challenging person to those who I come in contact with, because apparently nobody knows how to handle or approach me. That’s cool, I guess. I’ve just been curious to know how exactly I’ve been challenging to people. If you know me and want to share that with me, well, you know how to get a hold of me and tell me.

Well, I’m going to end this post by saying I hope I can back into a routine of making blog posts on a regular basis, but forgive me if I don’t. I hope all is going well with you, dear reader, and may God give you peace and blessings. 2013 is going to bring some changes. I just hope that I, as well as you, are ready for them.

Till next time,

Richie The Rapper