Taking a look at my life and I have come to realize
something. I am a survivor. I survived growing up without my parents, I
survived being away from any and all biological family, I survived the foster
care system, I survived high school, and I’m barely surviving adulthood. Now
that I’m about to turn 21, I realize that the rest of my life starts now, but I
would go as far as to say that now my life actually begins. The question is:
How do I live the rest of my life? I have quite a lot of battle scars that are
beginning to surface. I have a lot of hurt, abandonment, anger, fear, and
guilt. I have resentment towards how my past went and how it got me to where I
am now. However, as much as I know I do, I don’t want to hold onto my past. I
want God to be able to use my past to change me to become someone I never
dreamed I could be. I want to be used by God for big things. I want God to use
me to help bring together unity among the entire Christian body, regardless of
denomination. I want to become a loving, faithful husband and father someday. I
want to make music to express everything I’ve gone through. I want to be able
to look back and say that I actually lived my life to the fullest. To live in a
way that is pleasing to God and where I can say that God used me to further his
kingdom. But first, I know I have to work on me, or better yet, I need to learn
how to let God work on me.
I know I haven’t posted anything in a while, and I feel bad
about it. Using this blog was actually becoming very beneficial for me, but
over the last several months to a year, I haven’t exactly been feeling very
well mentally (and probably physically and spiritually either). My life lately
has been a huge roller coaster of thoughts, emotions, and situations that has
brought me to a place I never imagined myself going. It’s been a very dark
place that many people have seen, but very few understand. I’ve found myself
slowly falling away from Christ, and it’s a feeling I hate, but I haven’t been
able to have the right spark of motivation to allow God’s love and grace burn
in me like it has before. I’ve been walking the devil’s turf, and he’s been
playing strictly by his rules. I’m very grateful that God hasn’t abandoned me
yet. I pray he never does. My life started off as a rut and then turned into a
giant sinkhole.
I’ve felt how my life has been effecting my relationships
with others. I’ve lost several very important relationships due to this
darkness that I’m in. I’ve felt it effect how I think. I’ve felt it hinder me
taking responsibility for myself and begin to start manning up. It’s been one
of those things where I want to be responsible and become a man, but at the
same time, I still have this part of me that wants to try and make up for the
most crucial part of my life: Childhood. I have always longed to not only know,
but also feel like I’m part of a family. A real family. That’s what my hope has
been since I’ve been with my current congregation. I know that everyone there
who knows me loves and cares about me, but a lot of the time I don’t feel it. I
think that may be due to what my idea of a family is. One of the things I
desire most of all is to have someone, or even a few people, who are willing to
fight for me no matter what. Who won’t leave no matter how hard or far I
stumble and fall. I know now that I’m an adult, my parents are now back in my
life, and don’t get me wrong, I love both my mom and dad with all my heart. I
appreciate them working on rebuilding a parent-son relation with me, even if it
is only at a friendship level, but even so, I know that no matter how hard they
try I know they won’t be able to be there for me in the ways that I would need
them to be. If they ever read this, I’m sure that statement will probably sting
a bit, and I’m sorry, but it’s true. They may be able to help with several
physical needs and give some helpful advice, but when it comes to my spiritual
needs, I just won’t be able to get what I need from them.
That’s why I NEED a church family. I NEED more than just
people to ask me how I’m doing when I walk into the building on Sunday morning
or Wednesday evening. I NEED more than people to approach me when it’s convenient
for them. Engage me. Seriously, I’m not overly complicated. I’m just a bit
guarded, that’s all. I get so tired of feeling like I’m on everyone’s
backburners all the time. I’ve felt that way my entire life. People I knew
would only be with me if it was convenient for them or if they just happened to
be near me. Seriously, I know I’m not the only person who has felt like this,
it sucks. Now don’t get me twisted, I’m not trying to make myself sound like an
attention whore. Far from it. I just deal with a lot of little to no self-worth
and I just want to feel like me continuing on this journey we call life is
worth it. I want to know that if my presence here on this earth has been used
by God to change people for the better. I firmly believe that God has a purpose
for me, and everyone, I just haven’t found what exactly that is yet. I’ve just
been having a difficult time trusting what I believe, because of what I see
around me. I wish I had the confidence, and the faith, in myself and God to let
him use me for any opportunity that he brings my way to work my faith, but
sadly, I just haven’t been able to. And I feel like that’s ok at the moment. That’s
where I’m at in my faith. I’m still very much a baby in the faith, even though
I accepted Christ into my life back in 06, and got baptized in 2011, but I
haven’t had anyone discipline me and keep me fully accountable with my
relationship with Christ. I’ll admit, I don’t read my bible as much as I should
(I have a bible app, so I don’t have an excuse as to why I don’t), I’ve
struggled with several sins that most people commonly struggle with: Porn, not
eating healthy, smoking, cursing, laziness, and lust. Among a few other things.
I know I have the ability to change, but I just haven’t been disciplined into
doing what is commanded of me: putting my selfish desires to death. And I’m
working on it, it just feels like I’m working pretty slowly, and that’s
something I pray God will continue to work on me with. I’m prayerful that he
will answer my prayer to bring people into my life, or back into my life, who
are willing to invest in me. I’ve been told that I have to go through these
things in my life by myself, and that’s fine, but can someone please help me
learn how to fight through these things so I don’t fail? That’d be nice.
On a small tangent, I’ve been told that I’m a very
challenging person to those who I come in contact with, because apparently
nobody knows how to handle or approach me. That’s cool, I guess. I’ve just been
curious to know how exactly I’ve been challenging to people. If you know me and
want to share that with me, well, you know how to get a hold of me and tell me.
Well, I’m going to end this post by saying I hope I can back
into a routine of making blog posts on a regular basis, but forgive me if I don’t.
I hope all is going well with you, dear reader, and may God give you peace and
blessings. 2013 is going to bring some changes. I just hope that I, as well as
you, are ready for them.
Till next time,
Richie The Rapper
