So, my 21st birthday was last week, and I've been meaning to write a blog since the first minute of my birthday. I wanted to write about how I was feeling the few hours prior to my 21st birthday, and the realization that came to me when the clock struck midnight last Sunday.
So for my international readers, in America, as you might be aware of, the legal drinking age is 21, and as such, most people get super hyped for it. I mean you can drink alcohol legally now, you can gamble, plus all the things you can do at 18 stay with the deal (although, you do have to renew your drivers licence, which is kind of a downer). I was no exception. I had never thought I was going to live to see 21, let alone 18, and so knowing the fact that I was about to reach an age that I thought I was never going to see really started getting to my head, and by 6 PM the night before my birthday, I let the hype of knowing that I'm going to be able to drink legally get to my head. I was so pumped for this, not because I wanted to get drunk, but I do like the taste of most alcohol (for the record I didn't get drunk that night. I was with a couple Godly men who kept me in check). I was so excited, I was going to be able to go into bars and have drinks, I was going to be able to really experience what the bar scene on a Saturday night was like, but as I've been reflecting, there was something else about the night leading up to my birthday that got me all excited: People were going to be paying attention to me. People were going to be taking time out to focus on me and help me celebrate this big milestone. I'll tell you what, the attention I got during my birthday was a high that I haven't felt in a long time.
It was a high that has since worn off as this last week has gone by. I've still gone and had a few drinks here and there, and I still get asked if I feel 21 yet, to which I answer, with a laugh, yes. But for the most part, this last week has been just as normal of a week as any other week. Went and visited my mom for a few days, went to a banquet, painted part of my church, slept through service this morning, and now writing this blog post. Not exactly an every week thing, but nothing crazy.
But here's something I really wanted to mention in this post (actually this point is the very reason I'm writing this post), something that came to my mind as I was heading towards the bars last Saturday night. As I was walking, I could feel myself getting really hyped over knowing that within 15-30 minutes I was going to be able to go into my very first bar. I could literally feel my body shaking with excitement, and as I got closer to the bars, this thought occurred to me: "If I'm feeling this hyped right now over going to drink alcohol, why can't I feel like this everyday for my Lord Jesus?" I almost stopped walking to let that thought really sink in for a bit after it occurred to me, but I kept walking. It didn't leave my mind though, and that thought has stuck with me all week. It's stuck with me because it's so true. Why don't I feel so hyped for Christ on a day in-day out basis? Maybe it's my human nature. Maybe it's the circumstances my life is in right now. Maybe it's the people that are in my life.
Maybe it's because my faith has gotten so weak, that I'm hanging on to Jesus by a thread.
A problem that has been recurring in my life is having a hard time feeling like anybody cares about me. I mentioned this in my last post, and unfortunately it hasn't changed much over a couple week time span. I really wish that I could feel loved and cared for by not only other people, but Jesus as well, and not have any doubts about it, but I do, and I think that's why the excitement of my birthday went to my head. When I went to my mom's house, I realized that with this problem comes other problems. I've always turned to eating as a coping method, and since turning 18, cigarettes as well. Two things that I did a lot of over the course of 2 days while visiting my mom, and I'll tell you what. After consuming as much food and cigs as I did, not only did I hate myself for how I handled things, my body did as well. It still kinda does. It's a problem that I haven't been able to overcome and I fear that it'll get worse.
I have been in such a darkness my whole life that even my faith in Jesus is blurred. It's been so blurry that I have to admit that I may have been putting hope in the wrong things. I have to admit that I haven't been able to hear God speak to me, and even go as far as to say that I have been, purposefully or not, disobeying what He's telling me to do, and that's even assuming that I know what he's telling me to do. I don't have very much light coming through my life. I have little pockets here and there, but it seems like no matter what I do to get through to the light, the darkness continues to dwell and it's a fight that I hate so much.
So that brings me back to my thought: Why can't I be as hyped for Jesus as I was for being able to finally drink alcohol? I think the answer, no, I know the answer lies in my heart. My perception of reality has been skewed for as long as I can remember. I don't know what, but I know there's something wrong with me mentally. And I can feel the spiritual warfare going on in and around me almost every waking moment of my life. I know it's tiring for me, and I know it's got to be just as tiring for those who are trying to be involved in my life.
I don't have a plan just yet as to how I'm going to fight this, but I can tell you that after the first week of being 21, my life looks very uncertain, but I know God has it in control. I just have to learn how to battle the doubts and find out how to have the faith to feel him guiding me, and that's going to be a battle that I will be scared to death to fight, but I will take it one step at a time, and will do everything I can to let God meet me where I am and work from there.
I still plan on enjoying the benefits of being 21. I still plan on having drinks from time to time. I plan on partaking responsibly and not going out and getting drunk, at the very least not in public. I will continue to search out God and his will for my life, and allow him to work on me so that way I may be able to go out and become a light in this very, very dark world. Nothing's going to happen overnight, but I know that he will make things clear over time. I just pray that I'll be able to start seeing God doing work around me. Allowing me to feel his love and presence through those around me, and that I may be able to be used to show others around me the same.
So until next time may God shine upon you and give you peace. May you be blessed and given strength.
Until next time
Richie Tha Rapper.
Oh! And by the way. Feliz Cinco de Mayo!
