I Am Not A "Christian Rapper"

It's been a little while since I've made a post, but I figured since I'm in the process of getting a mixtape done, my thoughts on this topic should be talked about a little bit.

In the Christian community there is what's known as "Christian Hip Hop" and "Christian Rappers." I would like to take a moment and announce now before I release my first project that I do not plan on taking on that title. Not because I don't love Jesus, or because I plan on rapping about things other than Jesus, in fact, it's quite the contrary. I don't want the title because I love Jesus, and I do plan on talking about things other than him (but don't get it twisted, Jesus is going to be present in my lyrics).

Looking at how things have been going in CHH, especially as an upcoming artist, when I see cats leaving the faith after being all in at the start of their music careers, I have to ask myself: "Do I really want that kind of pressure put on me?" Quite frankly, in a word: No. I'm an outsider looking in. I'm an anomaly (lol, Lecrae puns...). I'm an outcast and quite frankly in a mess spiritually. My goals for my music projects isn't to get anyone on an emotional hype train about Jesus. My goals is to show you what matters, both the good stuff and the bad. The dark days where I just don't feel Jesus' presence, and the bright days when I do. I want to show the journey of my heart working it's way to being in the right place, and I'm not going to lie, there are going to be times when it just isn't. I want anyone who ever listens to anything I ever release to understand that.

I understand why people within the CHH community see the music as a plane of ministry, but in my opinion, I don't think it should be. At least not in the context of training and raising disciples. By all means, rap about Jesus and let people learn about God, I'm not going to diminish that, but to me, I think ministering needs to be more personal. More direct. I have no doubt in my mind that many of these rappers right now have people in their personal lives that they are in fact ministering to, and that's wonderful, but I've listened to every Lecrae album, save "Real Talk" and have never met the man in person (among any other artist that I've listened to, with the exception of Thi'sl, Rawservant, Dillon Chase, and Cash Hollistah. Met each of them once. Cool dudes.). So how can Lecrae really minister to me if he doesn't know me personally? He really can't. He can't take time to pray for me or learn of what my struggles are, but I bet the pastor or elder at the church down the street can. I bet I can run into someone who's a little wiser and a little more mature in faith here where I'm at can minister to me. I'd rather take that.

And this same rule will eventually apply to me as a musician. Who knows how far any of my music will travel? I don't. I do know though that I can't have deep, meaningful relationships with everyone all around the world. There's not enough time on this Earth for that. What I do have time for is finding the people here that Christ has in store for me to meet and walk with. I'm getting married soon. My wife will be my number 1 ministry. My second ministry will be the body. Third is everyone else I come in contact with. It doesn't mean that I'm going to bring everyone to Christ, but if I plant or water a seed in good faith, then I know that I've done what the Lord requires of me. If music helps to do that, then so be it, I will still serve my God how he wills, but I wish to view my music, my art, as it is. Just that: Art. Anything else that comes from it is God's doing, not mine. As you'll someday hear me say "I'm just a story telling rapper that's rapping to tell a story." Everything else is between God and the one who hears what I have to rap and sing about.

Till Next Time

Richie Buzz

Richie's Current Top Ten Most Influential Songs

Here recently, I've been listening to a lot of music, and when I say a lot I mean A LOT of music. Music is, and always has been, my life. It's what gets me creative, what helps me escape, and what helps me cope.

Life has thrown many curve balls and sucker punches my way, and has left me in times where nothing made sense, I became hurt and alone, and I felt down and out.

Today I'm creating a top ten list of songs that have helped me get through rough times and helped shape things in my life such as dreams, goals, faith, and character.

This was a really hard list to make, and this list very well could change in time, but for now this is the top ten songs for me and why they make the list. So without further ado, let's get to it!

#10
"Apologize" by One Republic
When I hear this song, there's a word that comes to mind to describe it, and that word is "timeless." For the fact that this is considered a Top 40 song, One Republic somehow managed to do something that very few artists have been able to accomplish: Create a song that is still relevant, still captivating, still beautiful, and still played on the radio well over 6 years since it's release. "Apologize" is one of those songs that if you picture a romantic scenario that looks like it's about to hit a breaking point, this song could play flawlessly with it. Seriously, anything from way back in the day to in the robotic, sci-fi future that we may or may not ever have, and everything in between. Add to the fact that Timbaland took these guys into his studio and added a nice little instrumental remix to the vocals and you've got two versions of this song that both hold quite a bit of weight. This song makes the list because I've had moments where the song relates perfectly to where I was in relationships with friends and family that got really tough. Times where the pain became too much and where I didn't know what to do or what to say. Times when I fought hard for the people in my life. Times where I had to deal with rejection. This song would've made it higher on the list, but there are a few others that deserve the higher spots. Here's number 9.

#9
"Jesus Muzik" by Lecrae ft Trip Lee
"Ridin' with my top down listen to this Jesus muzik!"
When I first heard the intro to this song I had no idea just how much of an impact those words were going to have on my life. I had no idea that this song was going to dramatically shift how I handled writing words of poetry and of rap. I had no idea that this song was going to be the song that really paved the way to where I am now with my dream and goal of being a rapper/musician. I don't know why, but it feels like this was the song that caught a lot of peoples attention and caused a lot even more people to realize they have the same dream as I do. This was the first Christian Rap song I ever heard and needless to say, I was instantly hooked. Shoot, I remember I walked almost an hour to an entertainment store with my walkman just to pick up the album this song is off of "After The Music Stops." This album had a lot of great songs on it, a couple that almost made the list ("Prayin' For You," "Send Me," and "El Shaddai  feat Cam"), but ultimately, this song was the one that held the most weight and was what came in at #9. I really don't know what else to say about this song other than the fact that the music video for this song was bangin dope. Man, 2006 had some great music. Moving on

#8
"Bring Me To Life"/"My Immortal" by Evanescence
So, this one ended up being a tie, but I'm allowing it because it's from the same band and the same album, but these two songs are songs that I have listened to for over 10 years, and to this day they still offer me something new and refreshing each and every time I listen to them. I put them together because when I do listen to them, I will always listen to them back-to-back. I'll be honest, I tend to have hero complex where I want to save people that I care deeply about from the problems they're facing, and, unless I have some sort of super power that's been laying dormant all my life, I probably will never be able to save them. On the other side of the coin, I also have the desire to want to be saved by someone (I mean, yeah Jesus, but also from someone else as well). I want to be rescued. There are, and have been, to many times where I feel trapped. Where I feel like I need someone to come get me out of the ruts and pits of life. And, for the most part, that's never been something that's happened. At least until recently. but I'll save that for a different post. All in all though, these two songs are songs that I can go and escape reality for a while and imagine what I wish I could do to help those that I wish I could help. Before moving on to #7, one quick thing...

Bonus
"Broken" by Seether & Amy Lee
As a musician, this is just one of many songs on my "To Cover Bucket List" and for good reason. Though this isn't my number 1 song, it is a song I hold very near and dear to my heart. It's a song that I fell in love with when I started listening to it again after so many years and it started becoming relevant to what was going on in my life. I don't want to go into too many details about why I love this song so much, but if you pay attention to the lyrics you can get a pretty good idea. When I do get around to covering this in the next 10 years, I also have a sick idea for a music video to go with it, but that's neither here nor there. Moving on

#7
"The End Of Heartache" by Killswitch Engage
So, I'll be honest. This is literally the only song by Killswitch Engage that I know, but you know what, I'm so glad I do. This is another one of those songs that play into my hero complex thing. Really though, it's just a great pump you up-er. I enjoy listening to it when I'm feeling down or when things get rough. It gives me resolve, it gives me courage, and it gives me the strength to keep pressing on no matter what obstacle I might have in front of me. Plus, it's got some pretty B.A. guitar riffs in it, and who doesn't like a nice, heavy riff every now and then?

#6
"The Kill" by 30 Seconds to Mars
Only recently have I begun getting into the punk/rock/emo genres and subgenres (mostly in thanks to Guitar Hero), but "The Kill" by 30 Seconds to Mars plays in my mind a little differently than I think the band intended. Now, I have no idea if 30 Seconds to Mars is a Christian band or has Christian influences, and honestly, I don't really want to research it right now, but when I listen to this song, I like to imagine inside a church and someone about to get baptized. The song plays through the ritual (I guess I'll use that word, I don't really like it though), and in the church you have a congregation sitting in the pews watching while you have Jesus on one side of the sanctuary and Lucifer on the other. The song, in my mind, is in the perspective of the person being baptized and sung in a confrontational way towards to Lucifer, while some parts are sung towards Jesus. I put this song on the list, because it helps give me a different perspective on my own baptism and my own faith.

#5
"Scars" by Papa Roach
Though I don't relate word for word to this song, the main ideas and points this song presents are very relating to me. Just like "Broken" if you just listen to the lyrics you can have a pretty clear idea why this song is on this list. This is one of those songs that's going to take me a while to not affect me in a way that brings back painful memories, but that's just fine. If it didn't affect me, it wouldn't make this list. So yeah, listen to it and you'll understand why.

#4
"Move Along"/"It Ends Tonight" by The All-American Rejects
Here's another one that tied, and it tied for pretty much the same reasons as the last tie, save for this time it's more because these are songs I listen to to help me gradually let go and move on from some of the more severe pains and hurts I've taken in life. I know I still have a long way to go on my road to healing and recovery and these two songs are going to be there with me along the way, and though they may not be songs created for the purpose of faith, you would be pretty oblivious to say that they don't have underlying faith themes. Though I wouldn't call them timeless or epic, they are great songs that always give nice breath of fresh air whenever I'm hung up on things that I need to start putting behind me and letting them be what they are: memories.

#3
"Say Something" A Great Big World/Pentatonix
If you've ever listened to this song from either the original or Pentatonix's epic cover and didn't shed a tear, I very well may question your level of humanity. Everything about this song screams remembrance of pain and hurt, and one of those songs where I feel like it's okay to be very universal. A lot of people give pop songs like this one flak for being vague and general, but I think that it's ok. This is a song that I think hits every individual on a different level  For me, this song is another song to help me begin to move on from past pain I've felt. It's allowed me to go to my mind and picture the person(s) that have hurt me and say "You've hurt me. I love you, but now I need to let you go and move on with my life. I will always care about you and I'm always here if you need my help, but I won't continue to hold on to this pain." This song never fails to bring a tear to my eye, and sometimes it never fails to let that tear fall.

#2
"Everything" by Lifehouse
I remember first hearing this song presented as a worship song at my last church, and then I heard it play during an episode of "Smallville." Then I finally got around to just listening to it on it's own. I recall a summer about 3 years ago I think, where I had never felt so lonely in my life. I'm fairly sure that I was about to go crazy and I know I was close to doing things to myself that I could go without admitting to. I was scared and alone. I had no one to spend time with and there were days that summer where I would go days on end with no human contact. During those times, I played this song and it really helped keep me sane, and helped me keep my faith. Though this song doesn't hold the same weight that it did those several summers ago, it's a song I tend to go back to during those times when I feel alone, when I'm scared, and when I'm lacking faith in God. It's a huge reminder that this world isn't my home and my #1 goal and dream is that when I pass from this life and stand before God, I can hear him say "Welcome home" and "Good job, my good and faithful servant." Not for the rewards of robes, crowns, or mansions in heaven. No, I don't care about any of that. All I want is to just be in God's presence. To just feel his embrace and his love for eternity. That's why I love this song, because I tend to forget that is my biggest goal, especially when I get caught up with the things of this world. Now finally....

#1
"Sanctuary" by Utada Hikaru
Remember the first day you had a copy of Kingdom Hearts II in your hand and you popped that disc into your PS2, you clicked New Game and this beauty started playing? Do you remember the chill that went down your spine? I do. This song is one of the only songs I can think of where I would literally have it on repeat for 24 hours straight and not be bored with it. I would sleep to this song, think to this song, work out to this song. Shoot, someone even took it and made a hip hop beat out of it and now I'm writing rap verses to this song. I love this song so much that I try to listen to it at least once a day if not more. I also take this song and imagine a scene while it plays. I'll lay out the scene and then explain why I imagine it. Here we go: Imagine you're on a beach. White sand and a calm sea. You stand there looking down the beach and you see a hood and robed figure standing in front of you. He pulls out a sword (I personally picture a lightsaber, just because I'm a huge SW fan, but take your pick) and you notice that you yourself have a weapon just the same as this figure. You're not sure who this person is, but you have this sense that this is a fight you can't escape from. The two of you clash swords, you continue fighting, things get intense. This person is strong, very strong. You begin to lose your resolve. You continue swinging and pushing forward and going and going and then finally....you give the finishing blow. You see the hooded figure drop down and see the hood come off to reveal....you. A dark, twisted version of yourself. You look at yourself, and you see that you've now killed this version of you. When this sets in you drop to your knees and feel relief, you feel content knowing that you lived and defeated this version of you that attacked you, but you also have a feeling of great sadness. You come to realize that a part of you just died. You feel the hurt of knowing this, but you still feel relieved that you survived and you continue on. This is how I feel everytime I imagine this scene when I listen to this song. Why do I imagine and feel all these things? Well, it's because I use this song to continually put to death the old me as it says to do in scripture. I use this song to always kill the desires of my flesh and the negative and bad I hold onto that brings me down. I use this song to remind myself that as I continue to walk in this faith in Christ, I am going to have this battle everyday in my mind. And somedays the scene looks different from what I pictured above, but nonetheless, it's somethinng that must happen everyday, and if I'm going to have this battle everyday, I might as well have an anthem to play as I go through it.

Till next time

Richie The Rapper

The Naked and Hungry Soul

Tonight, as I was getting ready for a shower ironically enough, I remembered a quote from Rob Bell that struck me in a way I never really thought of before. This might make your 12 year old self come out a little bit, but what I'm about to talk about is very biblical.

The quote says as follows: "It's easy to take off your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, dreams...that is being naked." (Just in case you missed it in the picture above) I had seen this quote through pictures similar to the one above that had floated through social media and for some reason it wouldn't leave my mind tonight until I really thought about it more in detail. The epiphany that I had was one that had crossed my mind before, but not in so much detail.

Whenever I read the bible, I try to read it in 3 ways: Literally, Figuratively, and Historically. There's a passage related to tonights topic that I had to read in the first 2 ways. Matthew 25:31-46. I won't put the whole passage up, but I'll do a summary of what it says. Jesus is talking about his return. He's separating his followers and non followers. To his followers, he's allowing into heaven and the presence of God. To the non followers, he's pretty much telling them to roll bounce. Both parties are confused as to why they are given what they are given. Jesus gives the same answer but to one in the positive and the other the negative. Cue the tie in to the topic of this blog post.

To the followers, Jesus says to them: "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me." (35-36) The followers ask "When did we do all these things?" (37-39, summary) Jesus responds with saying: "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." (40) Likewise, Jesus pulls the same stuff on the non believers, but opposite of the believers. They, the non believers, didn't do what the believers did as mentioned above and Jesus isn't very thrilled with this.

"Okay Richie....Where are you going with this?" -You

Well....hear me out.

So, when I first read this passage when I was a bit younger I read it very literally. If I saw someone who was hungry, I needed to give them a meal. If I knew someone in jail, I should go visit them (which I do and have done terrible at this, by the way), so on and so forth...

but then tonight, I thought about this from a figurative mindset, and remember the quote from the picture above.

This thought may just blow your mind, possibly even piss you off, but...what if Jesus wants us to take this passage, not just literally, but figuratively as well? Sure, Jesus wants us to actually go and do those things mentioned above, but what if he also wants us to do those things in a much deeper context?

I re-read that scripture tonight and applied it to a much more deeper meaning than just the physical, tangible implications behind it. I thought of it like this: Many of us hunger for the love and joy that only God can truly provide. And though Jesus can fulfill that need and desire whenever he'd want to, one thing about God is that he likes to reveal himself to us through each other. So, how do we do that in context to this passage? Well...If a person is hungry for God, and is searching for him, God might just use you to help reveal himself to that person in a way that person needs. For example, a person might really be struggling to hold on to his/her faith in Christ, and it's slipping from them. Let's say for this example, that the major cause for this persons faith to begin slipping away is that person hasn't seen a true reflective example of Christ. He/She is skeptical of the church and doesn't trust anyone and no one really seems to give them their time of day. Here you have a choice: Do you take notice of this persons need and go feed their faith? Or do what may seem that others have done and leave that person to starve? My hope is you do the former.

Switching gears, let's talk about the figurative meaning behind clothing the naked. There are people who want desperately to be able to trust those around them. To be able to bear to them everything about them: The struggles, the successes, the fears, the dreams....basically everything from Rob Bell's quote. In essence...they want to be naked. Probably not physically naked, but spiritually naked. To be able to truly trust someone with everything about them. So what does this have to do with clothing them? Well, from the figurative stand point, clothing here means to basically say to them "You can trust me." Them being in this nakedness is them saying "I need somebody, anybody who is willing to cover me. I need help. I'm vulnerable." Imagine being physically naked on the street, or in your church, or at work, or you know, wherever, and you really don't want to be. It's humiliating isn't it? It is you literally baring your all to everyone around you and it can be rather embarrassing and, again, humiliating. So, you can do what most people do and say something along the lines of "Eww....get this man/woman some clothes. That's not right." And proceed to walk away in disgust or even embarrassment while leaving the need unattended, OR...do whatever you can to meet that persons needs, which in the figurative case, is taking the time to be there for that person and provide what you can, whether that means time, money, effort, energy, patience, and so on while they are dressing themselves to "be clothed in righteousness." By being there to provide for that person those "clothes" will help them to become just that...Clothed in righteousness. By being there through those rough things in that persons life, the very core things of the soul, you are helping that person in more ways then you may realize. You very well be the influential make or break it for that persons spiritual journey.

I want to make a follow up post to this to go into much more detail, but I'll save that for another time, but before ending this I want to leave you with a challenge. Read the end of Matthew 25, and look at the examples Jesus is giving those people as more than just the visible, tangible things that it says, and instead look at those things as spiritual needs. Thirsty for God's word, looking for a church home of true acceptance as they are, visiting those who are stuck in the prison of their sins and working with them to be released from that prison, and so on and so forth. Then challenge yourself to go and meet those needs for someone in your community, in your church, in your school, in your town or city. Try it and see if it gives you another perspective on what Jesus wants you to do and see how it challenges you in where you are in your own spiritual walk. Or you can do nothing about any of those needs and just keep on with your own life. You know...it's your choice. I can't make you do anything, just suggest. :)

Till next time

Richie The Rapper.

Gulf Coast Getaway 2014-Thoughts and Personal Reflection

Every January, hundreds of college students get together in Panama City Beach, Florida for a weekend of community, worship, and just plain old fun on the beach. Myself and others from the campus ministry I'm involved in were just some of those hundreds of college students. Getting up anywhere from 6 to 7:30 in the morning (or not sleeping at all), pack up a 15 passenger van, and hitting the road for a really long road trip from Kansas to Florida (or flying for some). I know for me, I was hoping to ride comfortably the entire trip. Not sure where in the world I got that idea from, but I digress.

After stopping in Memphis, Tennessee for the night and finally getting to the beach after a good 32 total hours of travel I was ready to see what God had in store for this weekend, and to my surprise, he had something in store that I wasn't really expecting nor really wanting. The theme for this year was "Empowered" with the Holy Spirit being the topic. I guess I'm not really sure exactly what I expected from the trip, other than to maybe learn a little more about the Holy Spirit and feel a much needed spiritual refresher, but what I ended up getting was something completely different.

The first half of the trip went rather well. I got to get to know people within my campus ministry a little better, or for the first time. I had fun, I slept a lot more than I wish I had, and had a nice bit of nostalgia while playing Pokemon Yellow on my phone. Everything is going good and going great. Got to the conference and started off with some amazing worship, a good message on the Holy Spirit, and enjoyed my annual "Sit on the balcony and stare at the ocean for hours and reflect and think" time.

The next day started off really well. Had more worship, great group conversations, good lunch food, and some great time hanging out on the beach and the hot tub. Then, for some reason, something really hit me and hit me hard that evening, and I began to get depressed. I began having this overwhelming feeling that I wasn't being all that included in the group. I was beginning to have feelings that I didn't want to have this weekend. I felt myself beginning to get angry, enraged even. I had such a wave of emotions, that to be quite honest, I'm not exactly sure what all I felt. All I know was something wasn't right, and I had no idea how to deal with it. I was torn. I wanted to be with people, but at the same time wanted nothing to do with anybody. There was something going on deep inside me, and needed to be addressed.

As I sit here writing this, I realize in hindsight that this trip was a trip that I was going to be directly impacted from the conference in the most indirect way. This weekend, in my life, the Holy Spirit moved, and it moved hard. These issues, these...inner conflicts I was feeling, have been things I had been feeling for quite some time. I've talked about it to some degree in recent posts, but on this particular weekend, I firmly believe that the Holy Spirit brought these feelings out so that maybe, just maybe, I could get my foot in the door of actually addressing them in a face to face manner to those that I need to communicate to about it with. I have issues, I have struggles. All of us do. If you don't have anything wrong with you, please by all means show me, I'd love to see it. One of the speakers this weekend said that you can't really explain the Holy Spirit, instead you experience it, and that the Spirit moves in whatever ways it wants to. I'm pretty confident that I experienced the Holy Spirit this weekend, and that I experienced it in a way that it wanted me to experience it.

When we talk about the Spirit, we often assume that when you encounter it that it usually ends in an emotional time of worship and what we usually feel to be this burning feeling where we begin to come in (or back into) this true state of servanthood and dedication to Christ. Now, I'm not saying this isn't always true, but if I'm to be completely honest, majority of the time, I don't think that's truly a work of the Spirit. I think it's more of just the emotional connection we get through whatever venue or event we're at at the time. After this weekend, I have become more convinced that the Spirit cares more about the deeper things then just giving you a quick spiritual high that usually wears off after a few days. I'm convinced that the Spirit cares more about bringing up the sins, the struggles, the issues, the deeper emotional issues that need to be addressed and worked on. Not only just for you and in you, but for the church body.

The Spirit is moving and it wants to be on every believer in the world, but I feel (and I'll target the Church body in America for now, just because I can observe that easier than the rest of the world) that we are just refusing to let him in. I've been in gatherings where people pray and welcome the Spirit into their presence and yet, for some reason, each and every time by the end of the gathering, it feels like if there was any trace of the Spirit, it's long gone by the time everyone makes it out to the foyer.

So why is that? Well, to be honest, I don't have an answer, only guesses and assumptions, but I feel that they should still be thrown on the table. The closest thing that I have to an answer is that one or many within a group or congregation just won't allow the spirit into them, and for all I know, could be having an impact that is hurting the congregation at large. I can guess that maybe we don't really want to invite the spirit, after all, we've placed such a high taboo on it. Or maybe when one invites the spirit he is doing it for show, to look good in front of his brothers and sisters in Christ, but really, I think it really boils down to to one main thing, and that is where are hearts are at. I've so many people who are starving for the Holy Spirit and end up leaving a congregation because they aren't being nourished enough. Now, with that said, does that mean that the body of believers doesn't have the spirit with them? Of course not, but it sure is a sign that they are also being malnourished and may not even realize it.

Where does things go from here? I've only scraped the top of the iceberg in addressing this and am purposely leaving out a lot of stuff in this post, because I only wanted to address what I have thought about since returning from this trip, but I don't want this post to be the only thing about the Holy Spirit that you stumble upon. I know God has things planned for me this upcoming year regarding his Spirit that is going to make things extremely rough and uncomfortable, and I pray that whatever may happen that through it his Kingdom may be furthered where I'm at, but I also pray for you reading this. I pray that if you do believe, that you will spend time on the Holy Spirit. That if you belong to a church that is being malnourished, that you will let God show you a way to allow his Spirit into your body and breath new life into it again. And if you don't believe, I pray that you may soon experience the Holy Spirit in a way that could never be explained, and that you will see that this God that we serve is so much bigger than any of us Christians could ever try to make him out to be. 2014 will be a year where things will happen regardless if we want it to or not. I just hope that we will.

Till next time

Richie Tha Rapper  

It's Time For A Contest

Alright ya'll. As a break in between posts, I'm going to make a short post that you get to interact with.

I'm holding a contest. That's right...a contest.

I'm in need of an idea for a song that will go on my freshman album "God's Chisel'd Masterpiece," and I want YOUR help.

There are a few basic guidelines for what I'm looking for, and there are some pretty simple rules for submitting.

I'm praying that this will be the year for me to at least get my foot in the door. I know quite a lot of you, my regular readers, have been waiting for me to come out with something, and I don't want to fail at delivering to you any longer. You're submissions could very well help me speed up the process (and you may not even know it).

The guidelines are as follows:

1) No ideas or concepts that are explicit in nature. Sorry, I'm not rapping about how many shawty's I tap or how I'm so angry at the world that I'm going to cuss and start making death threats. Not happenin'. Keep it clean.

2) It doesn't have to be specifically Christian in nature, but it's preferred. At the very least, keep it something that is positive, or I can put a positive spin or take on.

3) Keep it somewhat universal. Don't make it extremely specific. Give me an idea of something I can make a song about that will connect with a broad audience.

Now for the rules and where/how to submit ideas:

Rule 1) Don't spam me. I'm not stupid. I don't click links. I'm not going to do video submissions. Sorry.

Rule 2) Limit of 2 ideas/concepts. Call me communist, but I like everyone to have a fair chance to submit an idea.

Rule 3) Any submission that is hateful, violent, gang related, or sexual in nature will automatically be turned down (see guidelines)

Where to submit:

Here in the comment section of this post

Twitter: @richie116

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Richie.Buzz

Or if you know me personally, you can message me on my personal profile or come and actually talk to me in person. Either or....you know, whatever.

This contest will run as long as it needs to until I begin studio work on the album. So for now will say sometime in mid May. I'll make updating posts as time goes on to let you know how I'll pick a winner and when that time will be. Keep up to date for news and updates. Part 2 of "A Bounded Spirit" will be posted sometime early next week.

Till Next Time

Richie Tha Rapper

A Bounded Spirit Part 1

I haven't posted in a while, and I apologize for that. I've been getting really busy lately and keep forgetting to update my Blogger and YouTube accounts. I promise I'm working on being better at this. I have a lot on my mind, and I feel that you, the reader, could greatly benefit from what I have to share with you. 

Over the last several months, I've been feeling myself going in a very downward spiral in my faith and walk with Jesus. I've begun having this "I don't care" attitude towards people, God, and life in general. It's really sucked and I'll be honest, even with all the good things I've got going on (obtaining a job, getting a pay raise at said job, preparing to beginning renting my first house, etc), I still find myself feeling like in the end there isn't much hope for me. I literally feel stuck where I'm at, and the problem is, I don't know how to go about fixing the problem. I'm suffering from a broken heart, I constantly have self-worth and trust issues, I feel extremely unwanted most of the time, and more importantly, I'm feeling myself grow farther and farther away from Christ.

In a lot of ways, I feel, and I am, enslaved.

Normally, I really hate making posts that are going to be extremely depressing and will end up with me getting concerned phone calls from my parents. I can't promise this post won't end up like that. I can promise, however, that I am writing this with more of an "Outside-Looking-In" perspective. So with that said, I want to talk about the things that I'm pretty sure are making me feel this way.

DISCLAIMER: Some of the "things" are actually people, but I'm going to try and not make it seem like I'm calling any one individual out, so if certain parts of this post seem vague....they are.

In a sense, this post is more or less a spin off to my last post (ok, second to last post, link here: http://bit.ly/1dM3DgR). Why? Well, because I'm going to be going back to my issues with church in very slight more detail. I feel that explaining why the church, and more specifically, my church is causing me to feel the way I do without it sounding insulting, blaming, or dare I even say hypocritical may be close to impossible, but I'm going to say what's on my heart. Call it tough love.....really really tough love, but there's always a method to the madness, and I never do anything without a reason. So, to my church, please know that what you are about to read is not an attack. It's me communicating in a way that I can that there are issues that need to be addressed, challenged, and solved. 

I may or may have not mentioned it in previous posts, but I got baptized Sept. 11, 2011. It was a good day and was a day I felt I needed to have happen. I had been wanting to be baptized for several years, but never had the opportunity until then. Looking back on it now after 2 years, I wish I had waited a little longer. Or even better, I wish I had been more prepared to face the spiritual battles that I would end up having to fight. I'm saddened more than I am anything about how ill-prepared I became for this new aspect in my spiritual life. I really feel like I was just thrown in the water and that was about it. I feel like I've had to fight the battles on my own. I feel like after I came out of the water, spiritually, I was abandoned. I'm not disciplined. Metaphorically, I feel like a Timothy without a Paul, and I can tell that if I don't find a Paul soon I'll be down to strong embers of faith at best. 

There is what's known as the Five Love Languages. I won't bore you with all five of them, but I want to spend time talking about my number 1 language: Quality Time (and yes, I did the test, I scored 11 on this). Being someone who grew up a loner, having people spend quality time with me has always been detrimental in my growth, socially, mentally, and spiritually. Yet for some reason, even today, after all the growing up I've done and all the challenges and obstacles I've overcome, I still don't receive the thing I need the most. Now, I have to say that I'm not completely alone and I do spend time with people that I'm close to. I'm not belittling that. I'm also not saying that no one tries to spend time with me, however, I don't get enough. I don't get enough from my friends, but my church specifically. If you attend my church...or I guess, if I attend your church, and you're reading this and you've done things to be there for me, I don't want you reading this and thinking that I'm attacking or belittling that. I'm not. I'm very thankful for anything that you have done for me. I am, however, saying that if you want to know how to help me, actually be there for me. Call me out of the blue and invite me to do something. Seriously. I'm not that difficult. I'm really not. I'm willing to say that if more people went out of their way to be there for me to show they care, 75% of my problems will be solved and disappear. 

Now I know I can't call out the speck in a brothers eye without first taking the log out of mine. I know I'm not that great at engaging others to try and find out how I can better serve them. It's something that I'm learning and something I'll have to keep practicing, but I'm still young and, as a young Christian, I know I can do much better if I have people be a better example. I know I can follow Jesus' example by myself all day long, but it's not going to mean much if I can't learn from people in my life. It's for reasons like this that I believe God made us need community. 

So church family, if you read this, please know that I'm saying this as my way of calling for help. I love you guys and want to see God do big things with this congregation and the ministries in part, but I have to be blunt and honest. I feel that if things don't begin to change, that if people don't start getting out of comfort zones and begin to put discipleship into action within our own family, we will become stagnate and eventually die as a church. And keep in mind I'm saying this from an outsiders perspective. Elders (both title holders and actual elderly church family), train us youngsters right. Be there with us, for us, and by us as we try to become who Christ meant us to be. Because in the end, thats what I want to be.

To shift the focus off the church, and more on what's going on with me. I wanted to spend a little time talking about inner struggles and how I'm attempting to deal with them. My hope is that if you struggle with any of these issues, you can, at the very least, find comfort in knowing you're not alone, and hopefully I can share some insight on how to fight or deal with what's going on.

One of my biggest struggles right now is pornography. Not so much porn though as much as just lust in general. Yeah, I know. Taboo subject, but if you know me you'll know that I'm not really one to care about keeping social boundaries in place. I'm willing to put myself on the line by talking about this online, so I might as well go all out. 

I first got introduced to porn at the age of 10, completely by accident. I stumbled into it on the computer at my house, and even though I didn't understand what it was, it left an impression that would later catch me into a trap that so many people, both men AND women, get caught into so often and so quickly. 

So, instead of talking about the habit itself, I want to talk more about what I'm doing to try and fight my way through the habit so that way I can kick it for good and begin to heal in the areas where this has affected me, because it's affected me. If anyone ever tells you that porn is harmless....punch them....in the face.

No, I'm just kidding, don't punch someone. You'll go to jail for that. In all seriousness though, the best way I've heard the effects of porn are like being picked up real fast and then dropped like a sack of potatoes. It's not good.

I've been taking baby steps, big baby steps, but baby steps nonetheless to fighting this habit. When I face the temptation to go online and view, I do anything and everything I can to try and distract myself so I can get it away from my mind. If that means I have to go to a site that'll keep me busy reading, being interactive with, or just something that can engage me enough to keep me from going to a site, then I'll do it. 

I feel alone, and that I think is the biggest reason why this is a struggle for me. There are quite a few posts out there that talk about how that plays a role in this habit, so I'll let you research that for yourself. Still though, it's an important aspect to keep in mind. 

I know this is a lot for one post, so I'll stop here for now and do a part two later, but please, keep checking in and seeing where I'm at in life and where I'm going as I keep taking steps to reaching the goals I have. 

Till next time

Richie Tha Rapper

"If You See This": A Poem

If you see this, you know who you are
You know that I'm still here
Wishing I could hold you in my arms

You can call this cheesy, but believe me
it's not easy, knowing I've got so much fighting for my heart
and I don't know what will deceive me

Why has fighting for you become so hard though
Every thought of you has me working out my breath call it cardio
I've been pushing my limits just to see how far it'll go
You the princess always in another castle got me feeling like Mario

You've been the most consistent so sorry if I sound a bit obsess
but we haven't even seen each other in 3 months, I think it's time to end this recess
My goal as a man of God was to love you, not to manipulate
and replicate the "men" of the day, to get you to stay up late
push to intimate, and end in sex

You a queen and you don't even realize
cuz all you've ever known are the lies
but if you could see through a different pair of eyes
you would know that you're worth so much more
than the effects of borderline

At this point I don't care if people know who I'm talking about
I love you girl, you're all I seem to think about
I pray for you, I'd be more than willing to stay for you
No matter how many times you hurt me I will never hate you

But here comes the flip side
The moment that caught my blind side
We both ended up turned around
and now something is eating me alive

I wish that we could try it out
all the laughs and anger, we could have cried it out
For you, I would go to hell and back
You better believe...you can run and tell that

I was willing to fall for you
Now let me see if I can rise for you
I've been told that I spent to much time for you
but it was worth every dime for you

We can't deny we clicked
but there was always tension
I could hear the story in my head
and it was much stranger than fiction

If this indeed the end, then let me begin
to share how honored I've been
to share in your life
your smiles, your tears
your blood, your sweat
your joys, your fears

If you see this I pray that God will bring you closer to him
and if it's his will the day we meet anew will become closer again.

 I love you.....

But God loves you more.

Why "Churchy Answers" Don't Help The Church

“Why ‘Churchy Answers’ Don’t Help The Church”

I’ve attended several churches over the last 8 years and as I reflect for a moment I realize something that has just begun to greatly bother me. I’ve noticed that somehow, we as Christians, have trained ourselves to give answers to problems in a very, well….churchy way. When we’re presented with a challenge, mainly when trying to help a brother or sister in Christ out with a problem s/he is facing, we have this tendency to give advice or solutions that you usually hear from the pulpit. Now this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, however, from my experiences, as well as what I hear and see from others who are constantly struggling, this approach tends to be the go-to approach for when we want to help, and there’s a problem with this. Though the intentions are almost always good and pure, giving someone purely a “churchy answer” may not be the best or even right way to help. In fact, giving just “churchy answers” might actually damage your relationship with the person or people that you’re trying to help. In turn, damaging the church.

Speaking with myself included, when a person (doesn’t even have to be Christian) comes to a Christian for help, they usually come with the hope and mindset that that person will be able to act upon providing help (or at the very least attempt). I’ll use myself as an example here and try to keep the details vague, as not to call out or appear that I’m calling anyone specifically out. All growing up I got use real quick to always being the loner kid. I generally accepted it, but it always bothered me that whatever friends I did have never really went out of their way to try and get to know me, and I mean really try to know the real me. This really hurt me when my Christian friends wouldn’t do this. Even friends of mine from church did this to me. They’d talk to me at church, but wouldn’t say a word to me in school. They wouldn’t even check up on me, and if they did, it wasn’t exactly because they thought “Hey, I should go check on Richie to see how he’s doing.” It was more of “Oh Richie’s walking by. Might as well say hi while he’s here, then I got to get to class.” Or something like that.

I’ve always been very socially awkward, mainly because I didn’t really have friends until high school, and even then, the friends I had weren’t exactly great influences at the time (though, one of them has recently believed or re-believed in Jesus, so that’s been pretty awesome). I have a high fear of rejection. I have trust issues. I fear abandonment. I’ve been told that I’m a survivor. Sadly, that’s 100% accurate. It’s also sad, because with being a survivor, I am also very skilled at doing what I have to do to survive, and sometimes I make decisions that I regret later. I wasn’t prepared for the real world, for adulthood, and so I’ve been having to make due with what I have and what I know. At the same time, I also have to rely on God, and what or who he’ll use to help provide and get me by. It’s really tough trying to live with the mindset that God is providing when he uses someone to help you and all you can think of is your survival skills. I use to be ashamed to ask people for help, because I felt that I’d be manipulating someone for something or, because they would reject me. Even now, I have to try to shake those feelings when I go for help for certain things.

Fortunately for me, and surprise surprise, for you as well, God works in mysterious ways through the ordinary. The last couple of years have been extremely rough for me, and even that is a massive understatement. Through a long, complex series of events, God has been bringing out all of the problems, emotions, and pains that I’ve been repressing throughout the years and has begun working on them. Needless to say, I wish that it could just be done and over with so I didn’t have to go through all of this pain, but of course, I’m not God and God always knows what he’s doing. God has been using a couple of people in my life right now to help me start building the most fundamental thing of really anything that has to do with positive things (most vague, generic statement ever!): Trust. God has been working through an older gentleman and a couple of guys my age to help me start trusting not only in people, but in Him as well. It’s still shaky, but I’ve trusted God a lot more lately now than I ever have in my past, all because he’s brought people into my life that have proven themselves trustworthy.

To slightly change gears here, and go from positive to slightly negative, I want to talk about the actual topic of this post. While I’m typing this, I’m not sure exactly how I want to present my idea about this, but somehow my idea will be completely written, so go with this and hopefully it’ll make sense.

How have “churchy answers” affected me? Well, quite frankly, a lot. The statement “Actions Speaks Louder Than Words” may sound cliché, but they are completely true. Especially for people with any kind of social or psychological issue. I’m so used to hearing people say one thing and completely do something else. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but quite frankly, for me, it is really hard for me to trust people. Sadly enough, this has even affected how I view my church family. I won’t go into detail, out of respect and the fact that at some point I want to address my issues I have with my church personally, but I want to present you with a challenge. The main problem that I feel is current within the ENTIRE church body is this: We simply do not take the time to invest in each other, and communally, help tackle each others problems. We’re quick to take care of the surface issues, but we like to stay stuck in our comfort zones. We like to think that when it comes to the deep issues, we only worry about our own. We think that we cannot do anything to help someone get out of the dark areas of their lives, sinful or not. We get afraid of what might happen to us when we go out of our way to make a distinct impact on someone’s life, no matter how big or small the impact, or how big or small the issues the person is facing. And to be fair, it is difficult. When you invest in someone and really try to be there and be active in their life when they deal with major issues, it can take a lot out of you, but believe me when I say that if you do it with the right intentions and depend on God, he will give you the strength you never knew you had. I know this from personal experience.

So, as a challenge, I’d like to present a list of things that you can, and should try, when you are presented with someone who is hurting and may very well need you, and I mean YOU. Check it out:

#1. Act Godly Advice, Don’t Just Give It.

It’s easy to simply give someone a piece of scripture to read or to simply say “I’ll pray for you”, but it could be more detrimental to actually sit down and read through an entire section of scripture or pray for someone right on the spot. Or if you want a biblical reason, well James 2:15-16 comes to mind. “15 Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. 16 If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it?” (NIV)  For all you know, speaking or acting when someone approaches you may make all the difference on how a persons relationship with God will go. Always keep that in mind.

#2. Make Time For People, Don’t Let Time Make You

Generally, when most people are asking for help, it usually means that in some way, shape or form, they are looking for someone who will spend time with them to help them overcome their current situation. As we all know, we live in a very speedy society where time isn’t really on our side, and that’s our own doing. We get so caught up in what we’re doing that we lose sight of what Jesus called us to do. He called us to look out for others interest (Philippians 2:4), bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2), to love one another with brotherly affection (Romans 12:10), be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as Christ has forgiven you (Ephesians 4:32), and maybe one of the most important commandments of all is the Greatest Commandment. Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself. I’m sure it’s no surprise that we like to make time for ourselves, but we’re told to think of ourselves less. So if you enjoy making time for yourself, but want to live out Jesus’ greatest command, try making time for others as well. Even those who don’t need help, but I challenge you to make them your top priority.

#3. Leave Judging To Judy…Or God. Mostly God.

If there was one flaw that I wish I could magically erase from all Christians, it would be that we all think we have the answer or solution to everything. Or better yet, that my way is the right and/or best way. Quite frankly, we may belong to Christ, but we’re still human. When people who are hurting come to you the last thing they want to hear is you telling them that it’s their fault and that they got into it themselves. Regardless of how true or not that is, that doesn’t help…at all. In fact, it usually makes things worse. I’m sure if you came to me with your bills and taxes problem, the last thing you want to hear me say is “Well, you shouldn’t have used up your credit card on that 90” flat screen T.V., BMW, Pool Table, and your own personal liquor collection. Then you wouldn’t be over $9000 in debt.” No one wants to hear that. I make light of that, but the fact of the matter is that, for the most part, people already know why they are having a problem. They just don’t know how to fix it or get out of it. When helping someone deal with sin (or even just a bad habit), judging them is the last thing you want to do. In fact, you shouldn’t want to do it at all, ever. If a person brings up something going on in their life that they need help getting through, telling them that it makes them a bad person is pretty much a nail in the coffin and you may have just screwed yourself in helping them, and possibly screwed that person’s confidence and trust in either you, God, or themselves. There’s a time and place for rebuking sin, but judging someone should be done by God and God alone, and occasionally Judy.

And finally, #4. He Who Has An Ear, Let Him Hear

Something that I’ve been trying to work on over the last few years is listening to people, and I mean actually listening. Not listen for a bit, and then interject a thought or idea that I have, but actually take the time to sit, and really pay attention to someone talk, even if I find it annoying or difficult to be still. Going back to James, I get challenged when I read the famous scripture, “Be quick to listen and slow to speak.” (James 1:19), but it’s so important. I get frustrated at both others and myself. I get frustrated at others, because very seldom do I get people who are willing to fully listen to me, and I get frustrated at myself because I’m not exactly the greatest talker. So telling people what’s going on gets tough, and thus, usually, people listening to me gets even tougher. Listening is a choice, and it’s a hard one. You have to have the right attitude and mindset when you choose to listen to someone talk about what they’re going through. If you don’t give that person you’re full attention, they will begin to think that they are wasting your time, and that never helps. While we’re on the subject, something that Christians as a whole, myself included, needs to work on more is listening to God, and I mean really listening to God. Exactly like I’m talking about here. The next time you pray after reading this, be completely still and quiet and listen to see if God says anything to you. He may surprise you.

So, this has been one of the longest posts I’ve ever written. I’m pretty sure I could even make this a sermon, but it’s something that’s been on my heart for a while, and something that I think needs to be addressed within the Christian community. We, as the body of Christ, want and desire to go out of our churches and homes and go share God’s message with our communities, our cities, counties, states, country. Our whole world. However, even though we still make impacts all over the world, and praise God for those impacts, we can never make a fully complete impact out there if we can’t make an impact inside the Body. It creates tension and division. It creates mistrust. If we can’t be there to help each other, then what good are we really going to be to those who we want to share this amazing, perfect savior Jesus Christ? In short term, it may look good, but from a long term, possibly eternal perspective, it’s caused problems in the past, and history is always doomed to repeat itself.

To put it much simpler: Churchy Answers will never help the church, but Christ-like Actions will.

Till Next Time

Richie Tha Rapper

A Reflection of My First Week Being 21

So, my 21st birthday was last week, and I've been meaning to write a blog since the first minute of my birthday. I wanted to write about how I was feeling the few hours prior to my 21st birthday, and the realization that came to me when the clock struck midnight last Sunday.

So for my international readers, in America, as you might be aware of, the legal drinking age is 21, and as such, most people get super hyped for it. I mean you can drink alcohol legally now, you can gamble, plus all the things you can do at 18 stay with the deal (although, you do have to renew your drivers licence, which is kind of a downer). I was no exception. I had never thought I was going to live to see 21, let alone 18, and so knowing the fact that I was about to reach an age that I thought I was never going to see really started getting to my head, and by 6 PM the night before my birthday, I let the hype of knowing that I'm going to be able to drink legally get to my head. I was so pumped for this, not because I wanted to get drunk, but I do like the taste of most alcohol (for the record I didn't get drunk that night. I was with a couple Godly men who kept me in check). I was so excited, I was going to be able to go into bars and have drinks, I was going to be able to really experience what the bar scene on a Saturday night was like, but as I've been reflecting, there was something else about the night leading up to my birthday that got me all excited: People were going to be paying attention to me. People were going to be taking time out to focus on me and help me celebrate this big milestone. I'll tell you what, the attention I got during my birthday was a high that I haven't felt in a long time.

It was a high that has since worn off as this last week has gone by. I've still gone and had a few drinks here and there, and  I still get asked if I feel 21 yet, to which I answer, with a laugh, yes. But for the most part, this last week has been just as normal of a week as any other week. Went and visited my mom for a few days, went to a banquet, painted part of my church, slept through service this morning, and now writing this blog post. Not exactly an every week thing, but nothing crazy.

But here's something I really wanted to mention in this post (actually this point is the very reason I'm writing this post), something that came to my mind as I was heading towards the bars last Saturday night. As I was walking, I could feel myself getting really hyped over knowing that within 15-30 minutes I was going to be able to go into my very first bar. I could literally feel my body shaking with excitement, and as I got closer to the bars, this thought occurred to me: "If I'm feeling this hyped right now over going to drink alcohol, why can't I feel like this everyday for my Lord Jesus?" I almost stopped walking to let that thought really sink in for a bit after it occurred to me, but I kept walking. It didn't leave my mind though, and that thought has stuck with me all week. It's stuck with me because it's so true. Why don't I feel so hyped for Christ on a day in-day out basis? Maybe it's my human nature. Maybe it's the circumstances my life is in right now. Maybe it's the people that are in my life.

Maybe it's because my faith has gotten so weak, that I'm hanging on to Jesus by a thread.

A problem that has been recurring in my life is having a hard time feeling like anybody cares about me. I mentioned this in my last post, and unfortunately it hasn't changed much over a couple week time span. I really wish that I could feel loved and cared for by not only other people, but Jesus as well, and not have any doubts about it, but I do, and I think that's why the excitement of my birthday went to my head. When I went to my mom's house, I realized that with this problem comes other problems. I've always turned to eating as a coping method, and since turning 18, cigarettes as well. Two things that I did a lot of over the course of 2 days while visiting my mom, and I'll tell you what. After consuming as much food and cigs as I did, not only did I hate myself for how I handled things, my body did as well. It still kinda does. It's a problem that I haven't been able to overcome and I fear that it'll get worse.

I have been in such a darkness my whole life that even my faith in Jesus is blurred. It's been so blurry that I have to admit that I may have been putting hope in the wrong things. I have to admit that I haven't been able to hear God speak to me, and even go as far as to say that I have been, purposefully or not, disobeying what He's telling me to do, and that's even assuming that I know what he's telling me to do. I don't have very much light coming through my life. I have little pockets here and there, but it seems like no matter what I do to get through to the light, the darkness continues to dwell and it's a fight that I hate so much.

So that brings me back to my thought: Why can't I be as hyped for Jesus as I was for being able to finally drink alcohol? I think the answer, no, I know the answer lies in my heart. My perception of reality has been skewed for as long as I can remember. I don't know what, but I know there's something wrong with me mentally. And I can feel the spiritual warfare going on in and around me almost every waking moment of my life. I know it's tiring for me, and I know it's got to be just as tiring for those who are trying to be involved in my life.

I don't have a plan just yet as to how I'm going to fight this, but I can tell you that after the first week of being 21, my life looks very uncertain, but I know God has it in control. I just have to learn how to battle the doubts and find out how to have the faith to feel him guiding me, and that's going to be a battle that I will be scared to death to fight, but I will take it one step at a time, and will do everything I can to let God meet me where I am and work from there.

I still plan on enjoying the benefits of being 21. I still plan on having drinks from time to time. I plan on partaking responsibly and not going out and getting drunk, at the very least not in public. I will continue to search out God and his will for my life, and allow him to work on me so that way I may be able to go out and become a light in this very, very dark world. Nothing's going to happen overnight, but I know that he will make things clear over time. I just pray that I'll be able to start seeing God doing work around me. Allowing me to feel his love and presence through those around me, and that I may be able to be used to show others around me the same.

So until next time may God shine upon you and give you peace. May you be blessed and given strength.

Until next time

Richie Tha Rapper.

Oh! And by the way. Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

How Do I Live?

Taking a look at my life and I have come to realize something. I am a survivor. I survived growing up without my parents, I survived being away from any and all biological family, I survived the foster care system, I survived high school, and I’m barely surviving adulthood. Now that I’m about to turn 21, I realize that the rest of my life starts now, but I would go as far as to say that now my life actually begins. The question is: How do I live the rest of my life? I have quite a lot of battle scars that are beginning to surface. I have a lot of hurt, abandonment, anger, fear, and guilt. I have resentment towards how my past went and how it got me to where I am now. However, as much as I know I do, I don’t want to hold onto my past. I want God to be able to use my past to change me to become someone I never dreamed I could be. I want to be used by God for big things. I want God to use me to help bring together unity among the entire Christian body, regardless of denomination. I want to become a loving, faithful husband and father someday. I want to make music to express everything I’ve gone through. I want to be able to look back and say that I actually lived my life to the fullest. To live in a way that is pleasing to God and where I can say that God used me to further his kingdom. But first, I know I have to work on me, or better yet, I need to learn how to let God work on me.

I know I haven’t posted anything in a while, and I feel bad about it. Using this blog was actually becoming very beneficial for me, but over the last several months to a year, I haven’t exactly been feeling very well mentally (and probably physically and spiritually either). My life lately has been a huge roller coaster of thoughts, emotions, and situations that has brought me to a place I never imagined myself going. It’s been a very dark place that many people have seen, but very few understand. I’ve found myself slowly falling away from Christ, and it’s a feeling I hate, but I haven’t been able to have the right spark of motivation to allow God’s love and grace burn in me like it has before. I’ve been walking the devil’s turf, and he’s been playing strictly by his rules. I’m very grateful that God hasn’t abandoned me yet. I pray he never does. My life started off as a rut and then turned into a giant sinkhole.

I’ve felt how my life has been effecting my relationships with others. I’ve lost several very important relationships due to this darkness that I’m in. I’ve felt it effect how I think. I’ve felt it hinder me taking responsibility for myself and begin to start manning up. It’s been one of those things where I want to be responsible and become a man, but at the same time, I still have this part of me that wants to try and make up for the most crucial part of my life: Childhood. I have always longed to not only know, but also feel like I’m part of a family. A real family. That’s what my hope has been since I’ve been with my current congregation. I know that everyone there who knows me loves and cares about me, but a lot of the time I don’t feel it. I think that may be due to what my idea of a family is. One of the things I desire most of all is to have someone, or even a few people, who are willing to fight for me no matter what. Who won’t leave no matter how hard or far I stumble and fall. I know now that I’m an adult, my parents are now back in my life, and don’t get me wrong, I love both my mom and dad with all my heart. I appreciate them working on rebuilding a parent-son relation with me, even if it is only at a friendship level, but even so, I know that no matter how hard they try I know they won’t be able to be there for me in the ways that I would need them to be. If they ever read this, I’m sure that statement will probably sting a bit, and I’m sorry, but it’s true. They may be able to help with several physical needs and give some helpful advice, but when it comes to my spiritual needs, I just won’t be able to get what I need from them.

That’s why I NEED a church family. I NEED more than just people to ask me how I’m doing when I walk into the building on Sunday morning or Wednesday evening. I NEED more than people to approach me when it’s convenient for them. Engage me. Seriously, I’m not overly complicated. I’m just a bit guarded, that’s all. I get so tired of feeling like I’m on everyone’s backburners all the time. I’ve felt that way my entire life. People I knew would only be with me if it was convenient for them or if they just happened to be near me. Seriously, I know I’m not the only person who has felt like this, it sucks. Now don’t get me twisted, I’m not trying to make myself sound like an attention whore. Far from it. I just deal with a lot of little to no self-worth and I just want to feel like me continuing on this journey we call life is worth it. I want to know that if my presence here on this earth has been used by God to change people for the better. I firmly believe that God has a purpose for me, and everyone, I just haven’t found what exactly that is yet. I’ve just been having a difficult time trusting what I believe, because of what I see around me. I wish I had the confidence, and the faith, in myself and God to let him use me for any opportunity that he brings my way to work my faith, but sadly, I just haven’t been able to. And I feel like that’s ok at the moment. That’s where I’m at in my faith. I’m still very much a baby in the faith, even though I accepted Christ into my life back in 06, and got baptized in 2011, but I haven’t had anyone discipline me and keep me fully accountable with my relationship with Christ. I’ll admit, I don’t read my bible as much as I should (I have a bible app, so I don’t have an excuse as to why I don’t), I’ve struggled with several sins that most people commonly struggle with: Porn, not eating healthy, smoking, cursing, laziness, and lust. Among a few other things. I know I have the ability to change, but I just haven’t been disciplined into doing what is commanded of me: putting my selfish desires to death. And I’m working on it, it just feels like I’m working pretty slowly, and that’s something I pray God will continue to work on me with. I’m prayerful that he will answer my prayer to bring people into my life, or back into my life, who are willing to invest in me. I’ve been told that I have to go through these things in my life by myself, and that’s fine, but can someone please help me learn how to fight through these things so I don’t fail? That’d be nice.

On a small tangent, I’ve been told that I’m a very challenging person to those who I come in contact with, because apparently nobody knows how to handle or approach me. That’s cool, I guess. I’ve just been curious to know how exactly I’ve been challenging to people. If you know me and want to share that with me, well, you know how to get a hold of me and tell me.

Well, I’m going to end this post by saying I hope I can back into a routine of making blog posts on a regular basis, but forgive me if I don’t. I hope all is going well with you, dear reader, and may God give you peace and blessings. 2013 is going to bring some changes. I just hope that I, as well as you, are ready for them.

Till next time,

Richie The Rapper 

Update

Hey guys, sorry I haven't been posting lately. I've been really busy. I'm going to try and get something posted tomorrow. If I'm up for it I might do it tonight, we'll see.


Richie

Remembering Nana

This last week has been rough on me in a lot of ways, but I'll start off by saying thanks be to God that He's gotten me through it. I look at myself and I tell myself that with everything that has been going on, I should have no reason to be in this positive of an attitude. Yet, God is good. I know it sounds so cliche sometimes, but it's so true. He really, really is. It's taken me almost 20 years to acknowledge it, I'm sure it's going to take a lot more than that for me to fully understand what it means.

There have been several things that have gone on this week that have been stressing me, but the thing I'm going to focus on is my great grandmother. The woman who raised my sister, Katie, and myself for just about 10 years. This week, my great grandmother was put into the hospital after having a stroke on Tuesday morning. I went down to go see her in Wichita, KS on Thursday. Man...that was one of the most difficult things I've had to do in a very very long time.

When I had gotten to the hospital and found where she was, I walked into the room. Her, her sister, and one of my cousins (as well as a nurse, of course) where the only ones in the room. According to my cousin, when I walked in, my great grandmother saw me and everyone else vanished. When my cousin first asked her what my name was, she said my dad's name. Then she finally remembered. The funniest thing that she said during the first visit was that she was 28 years old. I couldn't help but laugh. Then I told her that she looked it. It took me everything I had not to break down in front of everyone in the room, but I'm sure everyone could tell I was about too.

I left and told her I'd come back after dinner, which I did. This time though, it was just me and her (plus the occasional nurse). That time I did break down, whispering to her. I didn't know how much she could understand or remember, but I told her thank you. I told her that she had succeeded at what God wanted for her to do with my life at the very least. How it was because of her, that I grew up to become a very respectful young man. That it was her care that taught me how to be compassionate for others. She also taught me how to have a conscience. She wasn't able to speak much, if any at all during the time I visited her again, but I sat in her hospital room for 2 hours, just holding her hand, breaking down from time to time, and snacking on ice cream a nurse gave us.

This visit with my great grandmother may just be the last one that I have with her on this side of Heaven. So I want to take this blog to commemorate what this true woman of God has done for me in my life, and to show that God can use anyone to help fulfill his plans.

So lets get the things that my great grandmother could have done a bit better on when she raised me. You know, get the negatives up and out the way first. I really wish my great grandmother hadn't sheltered me as much when I was a kid. I wish she had let me go spend time with friends more...or had given me the chance to try and make more friends. Really, I just wish I would have been given more freedom, at least for an elementary aged kid.

But with that came so many positives. My great grandmother taught me how to be respectful to everybody. She taught me to keep my tongue in check. She taught me to behave. There are so many things that my great grandmother taught me, but the most important one I believe is this: My great grandmother taught me to have a conscience. If she had not done that, I doubt wholeheartedly that I would be the young man, let alone young man of God, that I am today. If it wasn't for her, I'd probably have been a trouble maker, but who knows? All I know is I am eternally grateful for everything that she did for me.

I pray that this last visit that I had with her will not be our last time seeing each on this side of Heaven, but if it is, I am prepared as I possibly can be. So I want to keep her memory in honor as God is preparing her for what may soon be her trip home. She's worked very hard and has only seen the sprouting of the fruits of her labor, but I am convinced that she has done what God has requested of her, and for that, this rest is something that I believe that she greatly deserves.

Love you Nana. If we do not see each other again on this side of Heaven, may you find rest in God and know that you did not fail. We will see each other again.

Till next time

Richie Tha Rapper

The Beauty of the Clouds When Their Around

So in my last post, I talked about how clouds are only temporary when they block the sun or the stars and moon. Well, today I had a thought hit me while I was walking to the place where I'm typing this. I looked all around me and noticed just how BEAUTIFUL the sky was during sunset tonight, and it wasn't just the sun that made it look amazing to me. It was actually the clouds. Their were several shades of grey, white, pink, orange, etc., (Note: the pic above was found on Google. I don't have a phone that I can take pictures with and upload to the internet. Lame I know) and it just caught my attention. I'm still in the process of trying to take it all in, but on my way to where I wrote this at, it brought me back to thinking about my last post. I'm trying see the metaphor that I really think God is trying to show me with these. And I think I'm getting a hunch as to what He's trying to tell me. The clouds represent, obviously, what I'm going through right now, the sunset represents that point in my spirit where I'm able to see the inbetween of my situation. Where I'm still stuck in the negative, but yet still able to tell that there is good coming from it. I just haven't seen what it is yet. I think God, no, I know God is showing me to start looking at the better things than the bad things. He's also teaching me not to be scared from those things. As I was walking the clouds looked very scary to me, like they were going to bring about a storm, but God calmed me down and my mind began to start seeing what has been going on around me in my life. I felt a contentment peace, but part of me wanted to cry. I'm not really sure why, but I felt both tremendous joy and pain as I was walking this evening. Maybe God is still showing me something...I don't know.

Anyways, keeping this one short. Got stuff going on this evening, but wanted to share this little experience with you. Give me some feedback. What do you think it might mean, if anything at all?

Till next time

Richie Tha Rapper

Stars In The Sky & The Clouds That Roll By

So tonight I decided that I was going to go outside for a bit to get some air. On my way back in, I looked up and a random thought hit me. It was quite cloudy out this evening, but I thought about something. The thought went something along these lines: "The clouds roll in and the storm hits. Then after the storm hits, the clouds tend to linger. But if you can remember that the stars are still there somewhere behind those clouds, then you will remember that the storm is only temporary. And...if you have faith and hold onto hope, you might just see a star break through." Well...I looked up and saw one star...then 3...then many many more. While I was standing there and thought about this, the clouds just magically started disappearing. A lot of people would just assume that that was natural. Maybe. Maybe not.

Over the last few weeks I've been feeling slightly depressed and have been thinking negatively. A good friend of mine told me that I need to start seeing past the "storm" I was going through and train myself to think positive and positive things will happen. The other night I was reading in the book of Mark (Chapter 9) where Jesus is healing a boy from being demon possessed. His father was talking to Jesus and asked him "if he can heal the boy." Jesus asked in return what he meant by "if I can?" Jesus said that anything is possible for one who has faith. I relate so well with verse 24. It says "Right away the boy's father shouted, 'I do have faith! Please help me to have even more.'" (CEV)

Last night as a small snow storm begin to hit my city. I was outside to try and listen for God. I heard Him speaking to me. I had come to the full realization that there was something that I needed to let go. Something that I can't continue to hold onto, at least not like I have been. I stood in the street and just looked up to the sky and started to pray. As I was praying, snow started hitting my face. I wouldn't have even noticed if I didn't feel the snow melting and running down my face. Not to long afterwards, tears began running down my face as well. That prayer was probably one of the toughest things I've had to do in quite sometime.

After I got done with that I had a huge mix of emotions that lead into this morning/afternoon. Mostly frustration and anger. Today I didn't really attempt to get closer to God. In fact, part of me kinda pushed away. Walking to my school (over a mile away, with at least 1 maybe 2 inches of snow on the ground) didn't help much, but as the day progressed into tonight I started opening myself up to seeing or hearing something God was trying to tell me. Then BOOM...this happened.

I know that this is going to be a long and difficult process for me, and it's something that I'm going to have to let God have complete control over and have faith that He know's whats good for me. For now, I have to really start training myself to think positive. To start training myself to be grateful for the things I have, instead of what I don't have. And to stay focused on what God wants me to be focused on. And to wait patiently for his timing for his will for my life. I also know that God is using this situation I'm in to help me heal from my past. All of my anger, bitterness, and resentment that I have towards family, friends, and the church. I don't know what all God's got up his sleeve for me, but I shall wait and continue searching and asking questions. Through it all, in the end I want God to use me to further His Kingdom and I want Him to work in me and mold me to the image of His son Jesus. That's what I strive for, and even with all my dreams and goals, I will put His will above my own. So for everyone who is struggling with doubt and negativity, if you have given your life to Christ keep clinging. even if you have doubts or get angry with God. He'll work in and around your life. I'm no expert at it, but train yourself to think positive and you'll see results.

Till Next Time

Richie Tha Rapper

Album Update

No picture for this one, but wanted to give a quick update on my album "Godz Chisel'd Masterpiece." So far I'm still in beat and lyric production, but they are moving forward at a very nice progression. Right now I'm sitting on about 14 beats with others to go in and/or replace some so I've got things coming along nicely on that end. Still trying to get my flows written down which will be a fun and even a very trying experience both physically and spiritually.

This post is going to give a synopsis of the album. I'm going to, God willing, have it out sometime as early in the year as possible, but this year for sure.

Godz Chisel'd Masterpiece: The Synopsis

The album was based off and influenced by the skit "Gods Chisel" from the Skit Guys. It will be very similar, but with my own personal twist. Adding my own chisel story. Talking about the things I had and am still having God chisel away from my life so I can truly and sincerely look more like His son Jesus. Such topics as Laziness, Control, Lust, Anger, Pain, Looking at myself the way God see's me, not the way others do, etc. It's going to be a very touchy album. At the same time though I can't as an artist just always be makin down in the dumps tracks. There's going to be some lively tracks to.

I'm hoping for a wide range audience for this one. Everyone from the high and mighty holier than thou Christians to those who just strugglin to look at themselves in the mirror in the morning, and everyone in between. I want this album to be as real as I can possibly make it. So keep me in prayer as I continue trying to become equipped with what I need to make this project a success. I'm tired of not having anything out for you guys to hear and this is something I really feel lead to do. For those of you who have been supportive somehow I thank you and for those who haven't been as much I would appreciate it, but it's not required. All in all I just want to make great music that pleases the Lord and helps reach out to those who need to hear what I feel God placing on me to say. And even when the album comes out, I know that the Chisel Seasons won't be over. This is only the beginning of them.

So until next time, stay blessed, stay humble, and above all: Love God, Love People, and Hate Sin.

Till next time

Richie Tha Rapper.