How Do I Live?

Taking a look at my life and I have come to realize something. I am a survivor. I survived growing up without my parents, I survived being away from any and all biological family, I survived the foster care system, I survived high school, and I’m barely surviving adulthood. Now that I’m about to turn 21, I realize that the rest of my life starts now, but I would go as far as to say that now my life actually begins. The question is: How do I live the rest of my life? I have quite a lot of battle scars that are beginning to surface. I have a lot of hurt, abandonment, anger, fear, and guilt. I have resentment towards how my past went and how it got me to where I am now. However, as much as I know I do, I don’t want to hold onto my past. I want God to be able to use my past to change me to become someone I never dreamed I could be. I want to be used by God for big things. I want God to use me to help bring together unity among the entire Christian body, regardless of denomination. I want to become a loving, faithful husband and father someday. I want to make music to express everything I’ve gone through. I want to be able to look back and say that I actually lived my life to the fullest. To live in a way that is pleasing to God and where I can say that God used me to further his kingdom. But first, I know I have to work on me, or better yet, I need to learn how to let God work on me.

I know I haven’t posted anything in a while, and I feel bad about it. Using this blog was actually becoming very beneficial for me, but over the last several months to a year, I haven’t exactly been feeling very well mentally (and probably physically and spiritually either). My life lately has been a huge roller coaster of thoughts, emotions, and situations that has brought me to a place I never imagined myself going. It’s been a very dark place that many people have seen, but very few understand. I’ve found myself slowly falling away from Christ, and it’s a feeling I hate, but I haven’t been able to have the right spark of motivation to allow God’s love and grace burn in me like it has before. I’ve been walking the devil’s turf, and he’s been playing strictly by his rules. I’m very grateful that God hasn’t abandoned me yet. I pray he never does. My life started off as a rut and then turned into a giant sinkhole.

I’ve felt how my life has been effecting my relationships with others. I’ve lost several very important relationships due to this darkness that I’m in. I’ve felt it effect how I think. I’ve felt it hinder me taking responsibility for myself and begin to start manning up. It’s been one of those things where I want to be responsible and become a man, but at the same time, I still have this part of me that wants to try and make up for the most crucial part of my life: Childhood. I have always longed to not only know, but also feel like I’m part of a family. A real family. That’s what my hope has been since I’ve been with my current congregation. I know that everyone there who knows me loves and cares about me, but a lot of the time I don’t feel it. I think that may be due to what my idea of a family is. One of the things I desire most of all is to have someone, or even a few people, who are willing to fight for me no matter what. Who won’t leave no matter how hard or far I stumble and fall. I know now that I’m an adult, my parents are now back in my life, and don’t get me wrong, I love both my mom and dad with all my heart. I appreciate them working on rebuilding a parent-son relation with me, even if it is only at a friendship level, but even so, I know that no matter how hard they try I know they won’t be able to be there for me in the ways that I would need them to be. If they ever read this, I’m sure that statement will probably sting a bit, and I’m sorry, but it’s true. They may be able to help with several physical needs and give some helpful advice, but when it comes to my spiritual needs, I just won’t be able to get what I need from them.

That’s why I NEED a church family. I NEED more than just people to ask me how I’m doing when I walk into the building on Sunday morning or Wednesday evening. I NEED more than people to approach me when it’s convenient for them. Engage me. Seriously, I’m not overly complicated. I’m just a bit guarded, that’s all. I get so tired of feeling like I’m on everyone’s backburners all the time. I’ve felt that way my entire life. People I knew would only be with me if it was convenient for them or if they just happened to be near me. Seriously, I know I’m not the only person who has felt like this, it sucks. Now don’t get me twisted, I’m not trying to make myself sound like an attention whore. Far from it. I just deal with a lot of little to no self-worth and I just want to feel like me continuing on this journey we call life is worth it. I want to know that if my presence here on this earth has been used by God to change people for the better. I firmly believe that God has a purpose for me, and everyone, I just haven’t found what exactly that is yet. I’ve just been having a difficult time trusting what I believe, because of what I see around me. I wish I had the confidence, and the faith, in myself and God to let him use me for any opportunity that he brings my way to work my faith, but sadly, I just haven’t been able to. And I feel like that’s ok at the moment. That’s where I’m at in my faith. I’m still very much a baby in the faith, even though I accepted Christ into my life back in 06, and got baptized in 2011, but I haven’t had anyone discipline me and keep me fully accountable with my relationship with Christ. I’ll admit, I don’t read my bible as much as I should (I have a bible app, so I don’t have an excuse as to why I don’t), I’ve struggled with several sins that most people commonly struggle with: Porn, not eating healthy, smoking, cursing, laziness, and lust. Among a few other things. I know I have the ability to change, but I just haven’t been disciplined into doing what is commanded of me: putting my selfish desires to death. And I’m working on it, it just feels like I’m working pretty slowly, and that’s something I pray God will continue to work on me with. I’m prayerful that he will answer my prayer to bring people into my life, or back into my life, who are willing to invest in me. I’ve been told that I have to go through these things in my life by myself, and that’s fine, but can someone please help me learn how to fight through these things so I don’t fail? That’d be nice.

On a small tangent, I’ve been told that I’m a very challenging person to those who I come in contact with, because apparently nobody knows how to handle or approach me. That’s cool, I guess. I’ve just been curious to know how exactly I’ve been challenging to people. If you know me and want to share that with me, well, you know how to get a hold of me and tell me.

Well, I’m going to end this post by saying I hope I can back into a routine of making blog posts on a regular basis, but forgive me if I don’t. I hope all is going well with you, dear reader, and may God give you peace and blessings. 2013 is going to bring some changes. I just hope that I, as well as you, are ready for them.

Till next time,

Richie The Rapper 

Update

Hey guys, sorry I haven't been posting lately. I've been really busy. I'm going to try and get something posted tomorrow. If I'm up for it I might do it tonight, we'll see.


Richie

Remembering Nana

This last week has been rough on me in a lot of ways, but I'll start off by saying thanks be to God that He's gotten me through it. I look at myself and I tell myself that with everything that has been going on, I should have no reason to be in this positive of an attitude. Yet, God is good. I know it sounds so cliche sometimes, but it's so true. He really, really is. It's taken me almost 20 years to acknowledge it, I'm sure it's going to take a lot more than that for me to fully understand what it means.

There have been several things that have gone on this week that have been stressing me, but the thing I'm going to focus on is my great grandmother. The woman who raised my sister, Katie, and myself for just about 10 years. This week, my great grandmother was put into the hospital after having a stroke on Tuesday morning. I went down to go see her in Wichita, KS on Thursday. Man...that was one of the most difficult things I've had to do in a very very long time.

When I had gotten to the hospital and found where she was, I walked into the room. Her, her sister, and one of my cousins (as well as a nurse, of course) where the only ones in the room. According to my cousin, when I walked in, my great grandmother saw me and everyone else vanished. When my cousin first asked her what my name was, she said my dad's name. Then she finally remembered. The funniest thing that she said during the first visit was that she was 28 years old. I couldn't help but laugh. Then I told her that she looked it. It took me everything I had not to break down in front of everyone in the room, but I'm sure everyone could tell I was about too.

I left and told her I'd come back after dinner, which I did. This time though, it was just me and her (plus the occasional nurse). That time I did break down, whispering to her. I didn't know how much she could understand or remember, but I told her thank you. I told her that she had succeeded at what God wanted for her to do with my life at the very least. How it was because of her, that I grew up to become a very respectful young man. That it was her care that taught me how to be compassionate for others. She also taught me how to have a conscience. She wasn't able to speak much, if any at all during the time I visited her again, but I sat in her hospital room for 2 hours, just holding her hand, breaking down from time to time, and snacking on ice cream a nurse gave us.

This visit with my great grandmother may just be the last one that I have with her on this side of Heaven. So I want to take this blog to commemorate what this true woman of God has done for me in my life, and to show that God can use anyone to help fulfill his plans.

So lets get the things that my great grandmother could have done a bit better on when she raised me. You know, get the negatives up and out the way first. I really wish my great grandmother hadn't sheltered me as much when I was a kid. I wish she had let me go spend time with friends more...or had given me the chance to try and make more friends. Really, I just wish I would have been given more freedom, at least for an elementary aged kid.

But with that came so many positives. My great grandmother taught me how to be respectful to everybody. She taught me to keep my tongue in check. She taught me to behave. There are so many things that my great grandmother taught me, but the most important one I believe is this: My great grandmother taught me to have a conscience. If she had not done that, I doubt wholeheartedly that I would be the young man, let alone young man of God, that I am today. If it wasn't for her, I'd probably have been a trouble maker, but who knows? All I know is I am eternally grateful for everything that she did for me.

I pray that this last visit that I had with her will not be our last time seeing each on this side of Heaven, but if it is, I am prepared as I possibly can be. So I want to keep her memory in honor as God is preparing her for what may soon be her trip home. She's worked very hard and has only seen the sprouting of the fruits of her labor, but I am convinced that she has done what God has requested of her, and for that, this rest is something that I believe that she greatly deserves.

Love you Nana. If we do not see each other again on this side of Heaven, may you find rest in God and know that you did not fail. We will see each other again.

Till next time

Richie Tha Rapper

The Beauty of the Clouds When Their Around

So in my last post, I talked about how clouds are only temporary when they block the sun or the stars and moon. Well, today I had a thought hit me while I was walking to the place where I'm typing this. I looked all around me and noticed just how BEAUTIFUL the sky was during sunset tonight, and it wasn't just the sun that made it look amazing to me. It was actually the clouds. Their were several shades of grey, white, pink, orange, etc., (Note: the pic above was found on Google. I don't have a phone that I can take pictures with and upload to the internet. Lame I know) and it just caught my attention. I'm still in the process of trying to take it all in, but on my way to where I wrote this at, it brought me back to thinking about my last post. I'm trying see the metaphor that I really think God is trying to show me with these. And I think I'm getting a hunch as to what He's trying to tell me. The clouds represent, obviously, what I'm going through right now, the sunset represents that point in my spirit where I'm able to see the inbetween of my situation. Where I'm still stuck in the negative, but yet still able to tell that there is good coming from it. I just haven't seen what it is yet. I think God, no, I know God is showing me to start looking at the better things than the bad things. He's also teaching me not to be scared from those things. As I was walking the clouds looked very scary to me, like they were going to bring about a storm, but God calmed me down and my mind began to start seeing what has been going on around me in my life. I felt a contentment peace, but part of me wanted to cry. I'm not really sure why, but I felt both tremendous joy and pain as I was walking this evening. Maybe God is still showing me something...I don't know.

Anyways, keeping this one short. Got stuff going on this evening, but wanted to share this little experience with you. Give me some feedback. What do you think it might mean, if anything at all?

Till next time

Richie Tha Rapper

Stars In The Sky & The Clouds That Roll By

So tonight I decided that I was going to go outside for a bit to get some air. On my way back in, I looked up and a random thought hit me. It was quite cloudy out this evening, but I thought about something. The thought went something along these lines: "The clouds roll in and the storm hits. Then after the storm hits, the clouds tend to linger. But if you can remember that the stars are still there somewhere behind those clouds, then you will remember that the storm is only temporary. And...if you have faith and hold onto hope, you might just see a star break through." Well...I looked up and saw one star...then 3...then many many more. While I was standing there and thought about this, the clouds just magically started disappearing. A lot of people would just assume that that was natural. Maybe. Maybe not.

Over the last few weeks I've been feeling slightly depressed and have been thinking negatively. A good friend of mine told me that I need to start seeing past the "storm" I was going through and train myself to think positive and positive things will happen. The other night I was reading in the book of Mark (Chapter 9) where Jesus is healing a boy from being demon possessed. His father was talking to Jesus and asked him "if he can heal the boy." Jesus asked in return what he meant by "if I can?" Jesus said that anything is possible for one who has faith. I relate so well with verse 24. It says "Right away the boy's father shouted, 'I do have faith! Please help me to have even more.'" (CEV)

Last night as a small snow storm begin to hit my city. I was outside to try and listen for God. I heard Him speaking to me. I had come to the full realization that there was something that I needed to let go. Something that I can't continue to hold onto, at least not like I have been. I stood in the street and just looked up to the sky and started to pray. As I was praying, snow started hitting my face. I wouldn't have even noticed if I didn't feel the snow melting and running down my face. Not to long afterwards, tears began running down my face as well. That prayer was probably one of the toughest things I've had to do in quite sometime.

After I got done with that I had a huge mix of emotions that lead into this morning/afternoon. Mostly frustration and anger. Today I didn't really attempt to get closer to God. In fact, part of me kinda pushed away. Walking to my school (over a mile away, with at least 1 maybe 2 inches of snow on the ground) didn't help much, but as the day progressed into tonight I started opening myself up to seeing or hearing something God was trying to tell me. Then BOOM...this happened.

I know that this is going to be a long and difficult process for me, and it's something that I'm going to have to let God have complete control over and have faith that He know's whats good for me. For now, I have to really start training myself to think positive. To start training myself to be grateful for the things I have, instead of what I don't have. And to stay focused on what God wants me to be focused on. And to wait patiently for his timing for his will for my life. I also know that God is using this situation I'm in to help me heal from my past. All of my anger, bitterness, and resentment that I have towards family, friends, and the church. I don't know what all God's got up his sleeve for me, but I shall wait and continue searching and asking questions. Through it all, in the end I want God to use me to further His Kingdom and I want Him to work in me and mold me to the image of His son Jesus. That's what I strive for, and even with all my dreams and goals, I will put His will above my own. So for everyone who is struggling with doubt and negativity, if you have given your life to Christ keep clinging. even if you have doubts or get angry with God. He'll work in and around your life. I'm no expert at it, but train yourself to think positive and you'll see results.

Till Next Time

Richie Tha Rapper

Album Update

No picture for this one, but wanted to give a quick update on my album "Godz Chisel'd Masterpiece." So far I'm still in beat and lyric production, but they are moving forward at a very nice progression. Right now I'm sitting on about 14 beats with others to go in and/or replace some so I've got things coming along nicely on that end. Still trying to get my flows written down which will be a fun and even a very trying experience both physically and spiritually.

This post is going to give a synopsis of the album. I'm going to, God willing, have it out sometime as early in the year as possible, but this year for sure.

Godz Chisel'd Masterpiece: The Synopsis

The album was based off and influenced by the skit "Gods Chisel" from the Skit Guys. It will be very similar, but with my own personal twist. Adding my own chisel story. Talking about the things I had and am still having God chisel away from my life so I can truly and sincerely look more like His son Jesus. Such topics as Laziness, Control, Lust, Anger, Pain, Looking at myself the way God see's me, not the way others do, etc. It's going to be a very touchy album. At the same time though I can't as an artist just always be makin down in the dumps tracks. There's going to be some lively tracks to.

I'm hoping for a wide range audience for this one. Everyone from the high and mighty holier than thou Christians to those who just strugglin to look at themselves in the mirror in the morning, and everyone in between. I want this album to be as real as I can possibly make it. So keep me in prayer as I continue trying to become equipped with what I need to make this project a success. I'm tired of not having anything out for you guys to hear and this is something I really feel lead to do. For those of you who have been supportive somehow I thank you and for those who haven't been as much I would appreciate it, but it's not required. All in all I just want to make great music that pleases the Lord and helps reach out to those who need to hear what I feel God placing on me to say. And even when the album comes out, I know that the Chisel Seasons won't be over. This is only the beginning of them.

So until next time, stay blessed, stay humble, and above all: Love God, Love People, and Hate Sin.

Till next time

Richie Tha Rapper.

When Sorrow Turns To Joy

The book of Job has always had a huge influence on me. That's the book in the Bible that I've compared my life story to the most. Now I'm not going to lie, I just Google searched this picture, but I found it on perfect timing.

Prior to writing this post, I had spent the last 15 minutes just spending time in very intimate worship with Christ. I had only listened to 2 songs ("Fire Fall Down" and "Lead Me To The Cross" by Hillsong), but they were enough to truly bring me into worship and communion with the Lord. Now let me explain what brought me into worship this afternoon, because it just wasn't because.

Before I listened to those two songs, I had sinned. The nature of the sin doesn't need to be shared, just known that I had sinned. I had fought the sin the previous night and actually won, yet for some reason, I couldn't this afternoon. I have no idea why. I might never know, but the fact is that I really feel that God used that sin to make me think and realize a few things. I had opened up biblegateway.com earlier. When I returned to it I was in the book of Psalms. The other day I had stumbled onto Psalms 51. Little did I realize just how important that chapter was going to be in my relationship with Christ. So I looked that chapter up and the verses that really had caught my attention more than any of them was verses 15-17 which says "Help me to speak, and I will praise you, Lord. Offerings and sacrifices are not what you want. The way to please you is to feel sorrow deep in our hearts. This is the kind of sacrifice you won't refuse." (CEV).

Lately, I've been dealing with a lot more than I would probably care to admit otherwise. I've been having a hardening of heart towards many things. Both inward and outward. I've been having a huge confidence problem. I don't feel strengthened to accomplish the desires of my heart. I've been doubting, I've been angry, sad, and confused. Honestly though that's really just the tip of the iceberg.

I've also been hurt outwardly, from brothers and sisters in Christ. Some who know (or should know) that they hurt me, others who don't. There was an "older brother" in Christ who tried to play himself as holier than thou against me when I called him out on something. I was really really hurt by this dude and have lost every ounce of respect for him. I've also been hurt, or at least have felt hurt, by others within church groups. I've always been accepted by almost any church group I've been a part of, but I don't feel included in a lot of things outside of group activities. I've been facing loneliness. It may be myself entirely or it might just be my pride, but I've been feeling neglected by a lot of people lately. I know people are always busy, but it really has made me feel hurt to know that I don't get included in things.

However, I'm not the type of dude to just straight up talk down on anyone and everyone. That would be wrong of me and be very prideful and arrogant of me. It would also hurt me more in the long run. I still very much love my church fam. In a lot of ways they are really all I have. I know that I'm loved by them and I know they want to help see me succeed just as much as I want to see them do the same. I just kinda wish sometimes I could get more encouragement from time to time.

Now I will say that I do have some problems with modern day Christianity, but I will go into that in a later post. Trust me though, these are problems that the church needs to understand, because they are real and the church in general has become so oblivious to them it's no wonder that we wonder why non believers bash us.

But for now, I'll end off by saying that I'm very humbled that God has been and will continue to be working in me. My chisel season is continuing and I pray that God will use me in the most unexpected ways. For now though, I hope and pray that everyone has a safe and Merry Christmas, and I'm sure I'll put something new back up sometime between Christmas and New Years. Safe travels everyone and God bless

Till next time

Richie Tha Rapper