Remembering Nana

This last week has been rough on me in a lot of ways, but I'll start off by saying thanks be to God that He's gotten me through it. I look at myself and I tell myself that with everything that has been going on, I should have no reason to be in this positive of an attitude. Yet, God is good. I know it sounds so cliche sometimes, but it's so true. He really, really is. It's taken me almost 20 years to acknowledge it, I'm sure it's going to take a lot more than that for me to fully understand what it means.

There have been several things that have gone on this week that have been stressing me, but the thing I'm going to focus on is my great grandmother. The woman who raised my sister, Katie, and myself for just about 10 years. This week, my great grandmother was put into the hospital after having a stroke on Tuesday morning. I went down to go see her in Wichita, KS on Thursday. Man...that was one of the most difficult things I've had to do in a very very long time.

When I had gotten to the hospital and found where she was, I walked into the room. Her, her sister, and one of my cousins (as well as a nurse, of course) where the only ones in the room. According to my cousin, when I walked in, my great grandmother saw me and everyone else vanished. When my cousin first asked her what my name was, she said my dad's name. Then she finally remembered. The funniest thing that she said during the first visit was that she was 28 years old. I couldn't help but laugh. Then I told her that she looked it. It took me everything I had not to break down in front of everyone in the room, but I'm sure everyone could tell I was about too.

I left and told her I'd come back after dinner, which I did. This time though, it was just me and her (plus the occasional nurse). That time I did break down, whispering to her. I didn't know how much she could understand or remember, but I told her thank you. I told her that she had succeeded at what God wanted for her to do with my life at the very least. How it was because of her, that I grew up to become a very respectful young man. That it was her care that taught me how to be compassionate for others. She also taught me how to have a conscience. She wasn't able to speak much, if any at all during the time I visited her again, but I sat in her hospital room for 2 hours, just holding her hand, breaking down from time to time, and snacking on ice cream a nurse gave us.

This visit with my great grandmother may just be the last one that I have with her on this side of Heaven. So I want to take this blog to commemorate what this true woman of God has done for me in my life, and to show that God can use anyone to help fulfill his plans.

So lets get the things that my great grandmother could have done a bit better on when she raised me. You know, get the negatives up and out the way first. I really wish my great grandmother hadn't sheltered me as much when I was a kid. I wish she had let me go spend time with friends more...or had given me the chance to try and make more friends. Really, I just wish I would have been given more freedom, at least for an elementary aged kid.

But with that came so many positives. My great grandmother taught me how to be respectful to everybody. She taught me to keep my tongue in check. She taught me to behave. There are so many things that my great grandmother taught me, but the most important one I believe is this: My great grandmother taught me to have a conscience. If she had not done that, I doubt wholeheartedly that I would be the young man, let alone young man of God, that I am today. If it wasn't for her, I'd probably have been a trouble maker, but who knows? All I know is I am eternally grateful for everything that she did for me.

I pray that this last visit that I had with her will not be our last time seeing each on this side of Heaven, but if it is, I am prepared as I possibly can be. So I want to keep her memory in honor as God is preparing her for what may soon be her trip home. She's worked very hard and has only seen the sprouting of the fruits of her labor, but I am convinced that she has done what God has requested of her, and for that, this rest is something that I believe that she greatly deserves.

Love you Nana. If we do not see each other again on this side of Heaven, may you find rest in God and know that you did not fail. We will see each other again.

Till next time

Richie Tha Rapper

The Beauty of the Clouds When Their Around

So in my last post, I talked about how clouds are only temporary when they block the sun or the stars and moon. Well, today I had a thought hit me while I was walking to the place where I'm typing this. I looked all around me and noticed just how BEAUTIFUL the sky was during sunset tonight, and it wasn't just the sun that made it look amazing to me. It was actually the clouds. Their were several shades of grey, white, pink, orange, etc., (Note: the pic above was found on Google. I don't have a phone that I can take pictures with and upload to the internet. Lame I know) and it just caught my attention. I'm still in the process of trying to take it all in, but on my way to where I wrote this at, it brought me back to thinking about my last post. I'm trying see the metaphor that I really think God is trying to show me with these. And I think I'm getting a hunch as to what He's trying to tell me. The clouds represent, obviously, what I'm going through right now, the sunset represents that point in my spirit where I'm able to see the inbetween of my situation. Where I'm still stuck in the negative, but yet still able to tell that there is good coming from it. I just haven't seen what it is yet. I think God, no, I know God is showing me to start looking at the better things than the bad things. He's also teaching me not to be scared from those things. As I was walking the clouds looked very scary to me, like they were going to bring about a storm, but God calmed me down and my mind began to start seeing what has been going on around me in my life. I felt a contentment peace, but part of me wanted to cry. I'm not really sure why, but I felt both tremendous joy and pain as I was walking this evening. Maybe God is still showing me something...I don't know.

Anyways, keeping this one short. Got stuff going on this evening, but wanted to share this little experience with you. Give me some feedback. What do you think it might mean, if anything at all?

Till next time

Richie Tha Rapper

Stars In The Sky & The Clouds That Roll By

So tonight I decided that I was going to go outside for a bit to get some air. On my way back in, I looked up and a random thought hit me. It was quite cloudy out this evening, but I thought about something. The thought went something along these lines: "The clouds roll in and the storm hits. Then after the storm hits, the clouds tend to linger. But if you can remember that the stars are still there somewhere behind those clouds, then you will remember that the storm is only temporary. And...if you have faith and hold onto hope, you might just see a star break through." Well...I looked up and saw one star...then 3...then many many more. While I was standing there and thought about this, the clouds just magically started disappearing. A lot of people would just assume that that was natural. Maybe. Maybe not.

Over the last few weeks I've been feeling slightly depressed and have been thinking negatively. A good friend of mine told me that I need to start seeing past the "storm" I was going through and train myself to think positive and positive things will happen. The other night I was reading in the book of Mark (Chapter 9) where Jesus is healing a boy from being demon possessed. His father was talking to Jesus and asked him "if he can heal the boy." Jesus asked in return what he meant by "if I can?" Jesus said that anything is possible for one who has faith. I relate so well with verse 24. It says "Right away the boy's father shouted, 'I do have faith! Please help me to have even more.'" (CEV)

Last night as a small snow storm begin to hit my city. I was outside to try and listen for God. I heard Him speaking to me. I had come to the full realization that there was something that I needed to let go. Something that I can't continue to hold onto, at least not like I have been. I stood in the street and just looked up to the sky and started to pray. As I was praying, snow started hitting my face. I wouldn't have even noticed if I didn't feel the snow melting and running down my face. Not to long afterwards, tears began running down my face as well. That prayer was probably one of the toughest things I've had to do in quite sometime.

After I got done with that I had a huge mix of emotions that lead into this morning/afternoon. Mostly frustration and anger. Today I didn't really attempt to get closer to God. In fact, part of me kinda pushed away. Walking to my school (over a mile away, with at least 1 maybe 2 inches of snow on the ground) didn't help much, but as the day progressed into tonight I started opening myself up to seeing or hearing something God was trying to tell me. Then BOOM...this happened.

I know that this is going to be a long and difficult process for me, and it's something that I'm going to have to let God have complete control over and have faith that He know's whats good for me. For now, I have to really start training myself to think positive. To start training myself to be grateful for the things I have, instead of what I don't have. And to stay focused on what God wants me to be focused on. And to wait patiently for his timing for his will for my life. I also know that God is using this situation I'm in to help me heal from my past. All of my anger, bitterness, and resentment that I have towards family, friends, and the church. I don't know what all God's got up his sleeve for me, but I shall wait and continue searching and asking questions. Through it all, in the end I want God to use me to further His Kingdom and I want Him to work in me and mold me to the image of His son Jesus. That's what I strive for, and even with all my dreams and goals, I will put His will above my own. So for everyone who is struggling with doubt and negativity, if you have given your life to Christ keep clinging. even if you have doubts or get angry with God. He'll work in and around your life. I'm no expert at it, but train yourself to think positive and you'll see results.

Till Next Time

Richie Tha Rapper

Album Update

No picture for this one, but wanted to give a quick update on my album "Godz Chisel'd Masterpiece." So far I'm still in beat and lyric production, but they are moving forward at a very nice progression. Right now I'm sitting on about 14 beats with others to go in and/or replace some so I've got things coming along nicely on that end. Still trying to get my flows written down which will be a fun and even a very trying experience both physically and spiritually.

This post is going to give a synopsis of the album. I'm going to, God willing, have it out sometime as early in the year as possible, but this year for sure.

Godz Chisel'd Masterpiece: The Synopsis

The album was based off and influenced by the skit "Gods Chisel" from the Skit Guys. It will be very similar, but with my own personal twist. Adding my own chisel story. Talking about the things I had and am still having God chisel away from my life so I can truly and sincerely look more like His son Jesus. Such topics as Laziness, Control, Lust, Anger, Pain, Looking at myself the way God see's me, not the way others do, etc. It's going to be a very touchy album. At the same time though I can't as an artist just always be makin down in the dumps tracks. There's going to be some lively tracks to.

I'm hoping for a wide range audience for this one. Everyone from the high and mighty holier than thou Christians to those who just strugglin to look at themselves in the mirror in the morning, and everyone in between. I want this album to be as real as I can possibly make it. So keep me in prayer as I continue trying to become equipped with what I need to make this project a success. I'm tired of not having anything out for you guys to hear and this is something I really feel lead to do. For those of you who have been supportive somehow I thank you and for those who haven't been as much I would appreciate it, but it's not required. All in all I just want to make great music that pleases the Lord and helps reach out to those who need to hear what I feel God placing on me to say. And even when the album comes out, I know that the Chisel Seasons won't be over. This is only the beginning of them.

So until next time, stay blessed, stay humble, and above all: Love God, Love People, and Hate Sin.

Till next time

Richie Tha Rapper.

When Sorrow Turns To Joy

The book of Job has always had a huge influence on me. That's the book in the Bible that I've compared my life story to the most. Now I'm not going to lie, I just Google searched this picture, but I found it on perfect timing.

Prior to writing this post, I had spent the last 15 minutes just spending time in very intimate worship with Christ. I had only listened to 2 songs ("Fire Fall Down" and "Lead Me To The Cross" by Hillsong), but they were enough to truly bring me into worship and communion with the Lord. Now let me explain what brought me into worship this afternoon, because it just wasn't because.

Before I listened to those two songs, I had sinned. The nature of the sin doesn't need to be shared, just known that I had sinned. I had fought the sin the previous night and actually won, yet for some reason, I couldn't this afternoon. I have no idea why. I might never know, but the fact is that I really feel that God used that sin to make me think and realize a few things. I had opened up biblegateway.com earlier. When I returned to it I was in the book of Psalms. The other day I had stumbled onto Psalms 51. Little did I realize just how important that chapter was going to be in my relationship with Christ. So I looked that chapter up and the verses that really had caught my attention more than any of them was verses 15-17 which says "Help me to speak, and I will praise you, Lord. Offerings and sacrifices are not what you want. The way to please you is to feel sorrow deep in our hearts. This is the kind of sacrifice you won't refuse." (CEV).

Lately, I've been dealing with a lot more than I would probably care to admit otherwise. I've been having a hardening of heart towards many things. Both inward and outward. I've been having a huge confidence problem. I don't feel strengthened to accomplish the desires of my heart. I've been doubting, I've been angry, sad, and confused. Honestly though that's really just the tip of the iceberg.

I've also been hurt outwardly, from brothers and sisters in Christ. Some who know (or should know) that they hurt me, others who don't. There was an "older brother" in Christ who tried to play himself as holier than thou against me when I called him out on something. I was really really hurt by this dude and have lost every ounce of respect for him. I've also been hurt, or at least have felt hurt, by others within church groups. I've always been accepted by almost any church group I've been a part of, but I don't feel included in a lot of things outside of group activities. I've been facing loneliness. It may be myself entirely or it might just be my pride, but I've been feeling neglected by a lot of people lately. I know people are always busy, but it really has made me feel hurt to know that I don't get included in things.

However, I'm not the type of dude to just straight up talk down on anyone and everyone. That would be wrong of me and be very prideful and arrogant of me. It would also hurt me more in the long run. I still very much love my church fam. In a lot of ways they are really all I have. I know that I'm loved by them and I know they want to help see me succeed just as much as I want to see them do the same. I just kinda wish sometimes I could get more encouragement from time to time.

Now I will say that I do have some problems with modern day Christianity, but I will go into that in a later post. Trust me though, these are problems that the church needs to understand, because they are real and the church in general has become so oblivious to them it's no wonder that we wonder why non believers bash us.

But for now, I'll end off by saying that I'm very humbled that God has been and will continue to be working in me. My chisel season is continuing and I pray that God will use me in the most unexpected ways. For now though, I hope and pray that everyone has a safe and Merry Christmas, and I'm sure I'll put something new back up sometime between Christmas and New Years. Safe travels everyone and God bless

Till next time

Richie Tha Rapper

Things On My Mind

There's several things about this picture above that could be interpreted for this blog, but I want you to focus just on the Lego character. What do you see? I'm looking for a specific. Take a guess...

If you guessed that he is by himself, you would have guessed right. That's what I want to talk about with this post. This is something that has been on my heart and mind lately. I've been feeling very alone lately.

Now I know people will tell me that I'm never alone, and to an extent they would be correct. I know that I have Christ, who is always with me. However, even Jesus was around people. The only times that I'm aware of that he was alone was when he went to pray and when he was nailed to the cross. He had his disciples, who he talked to when things were troubling him. He ate with them, hung out with them, etc. Christ was, to a large extent, a people person. I don't think that he was a huge introvert, though he did find his time to be by himself.

I was doing some reminiscing earlier today, and almost got to the point of tears...almost. I feel like I am slowly becoming hard-hearted and not allowing myself to cry, and I'm finding this to become slightly unhealthy for me. As I was thinking back on my past, I realized that I've never had more than a handful of friends at any given point of my life. Throughout certain points, I had less than that. Growing up very sheltered, I was never given the chance to meet people and hang out. Sadly, this has followed me even all the way up to young adulthood. I would be lying if I said I didn't resent it. If there is anything that I'm bitter about it it is that. It has caused me so many problems growing up. It's cut me away from many opportunities, and has influenced my trust issues. The only thing about it that has been positive in anyway is that if I hadn't have had this problem, I may not have come to where I am now. Which I don't regret or resent.

I have found this to be one of my biggest challenges of faith. Ever since I have came to Christ, I've had a "Outside looking in" view on the Church, and needless to say, I've been disappointed one to many times. I've had to learn the hard way not to hold my view of God in people, because that will lead me to much disappointment. Instead, I've been learning (cuz I'm not going to really 100% know until that day) how to really view God. I know that he's love, and I know that he is more. He has anger and he has sadness, but there is so much more to God than any human could ever know, save for Jesus Christ. I know that he knows why I've been feeling so alone better than I do, which is good, cuz I don't have much of a clue as to why.

I've never really liked getting sympathy from people for my misfortunes, and I don't desire it. I very much dislike it when I fall into self-pity (because "hate" is to strong a word there), yet I know I've landed into that so many times. I don't know what is going to happen or what I'm going to do to get out of this feeling. I'm certain people will try to cheer me up, and maybe even try to hang out with me more. Maybe not. Either way, I'm just praying for change with this. I'm training myself not to have the mentality that people owe me something, cuz they don't. I also don't want to think that if someone does notice this and try and cheer me up I don't want to refuse it simply because they've noticed this...if that made sense.

I know I'm never "Forever Alone." I know that, however, that doesn't neglect the fact that this feeling is very real for me. I also know that this is very real for countless other individuals. I can probably think of at least 10 names off the top of my head who are feeling the same way as me who wouldn't talk about it in any way. So I guess, in a way, you could say that I'm bout to advocate for them.

From what I've learned there are several things to help if your feeling alone:

1)Remember, you really aren't alone ever. Regardless if you believe in Him or not, Christ is with you in some way.

2)Don't hold yourself to thinking that social networking and media is going to help solve your problem of loneliness. Trust me on this one, it never will.

3)Don't bring yourself to doing destructive behaviors. Anything from drinking to porn and anything in between.

4)I've said this before, and I'll say it again. Give prayer a shot. Even if you don't believe, prayer works. Maybe not exactly the way you want it to, but it does. Give it a chance to work.

5)Have a positive mindset. Positive thinking creates positive results. Don't let negative talk or thinking consume you. It will destroy your hope in change and you'll be stuck where you are for quite some time.

I hope this helps someone. I'm hoping it helps me. I apologize for not posting in quite some time. I promise I'll try to start posting more regularly if time permits. I still want to get in on the topics from "Man Up." Hope all is well with you all and hope my American readers had a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving.

Till next time

Richie Tha Rapper

Learning What It Means To Man Up (Part 1)

How's it goinn all? It's been a minute since I last posted on here. I've been kept busy. Got a job finally, praise God. Been tryin to work on music, chillin with friends, etc, etc. BUT I'm back now, and I wanted to do a post over a topic that, in the Christian Hip Hop scene, has been catching a lot of attention. I'm talking about 11Six Clique's latest contemplation album "Man Up". I went and bought the album + DVD, and I have to say, I was blown away by both. Reach Records has been putting in a lot of work on this and the finished product shows that. Now with that said, I'm not going to spend time telling you about the album or give you any spoilers from the movie (It takes place in the ghetto, there), because I want you to go get it yourself. No, I want to talk about what I got from the movie in specific. I want to talk about what I got from it and how I want to apply it to my life, and your's. There was 6 different topics that were talked about by guys with Reach on a different segment of the DVD. Authority, Responsibility, Envy, Courage, Sexual Temptation, and Repentance. I'm a hit all 6 of em in this blog. I'm going to give my take on each from what I have experienced, from what I have read about each in God's Word, and from what I'm learning after watching this movie. So follow along with me as I go into a subject that a lot of dude's in today's world need to know about. Now I won't be saying that I am a full man. Cuz I'm not. I still have a lot of growing to do, but I have some insight that can help dude's who don't even realize that they really not Men just yet. (That's my legal disclaimer for this blog btw.) I say that jokingly, but in all seriousness, if you read this don't believe what I've typed just cuz I've typed it, but I do ask that you think over it and apply it to your life and think about how you're life is going and see if you are really a "Man" (Sorry ladies, this one's aimed particularly at the guys, however feel free to read so you may relay this to dude's you know who need to know this).

#1: Authority. Something that to a lot dude's gets twisted. Who is authority? Well for us here in the U.S. it's the government. The President, Congress, Military, Judicial, Law Enforcement, etc. A lot of people in America have this "F the Government" mentality, because we notice that they haven't been doing there job to the best of there ability or we might think that they have been doing things for the wrong reasons without the people's best interest at heart. Though in a sense that may be true, we the people need to realize that this is a give and take relationship between us and those in power. I believe that the Government really does want to help our country. I just think that there are some who are in it for the wrong reasons and don't realize that their greed hurts the country. However I do think that the majority of people in Congress and the White House are wanting things to get better, they, just like us, are having to learn. It might take some time, but I think that we need to be patient. Keep in mind that God has everything in control with the U.S.'s situation. He is sovereign. He placed them in charge for reason's we don't fully know of yet. And I am just starting at home, for all my international people, your government's are probably different than our's. Yet I'm sure there are quite a few things that are the same. Here's the basic break down though. Jesus followed the authority that was here on Earth during his life. He didn't go off and retaliate on the solider's who came to arrest him. He didn't get prideful towards authority. He entrusted in the Heavenly Father. He didn't teach for people to riot against the government. He lived his purpose and kept his eyes on the Father, who is the greatest authority. I know in my own personal life I haven't always been a law abiding citizen, but I try to keep my nose clean as well as I can. I've been real good about it, but I still have a few things I could work on. So I'm not excluded when I say that, in America at least, that we need to step up to the plate and be able to let go of our pride in thinking that we know what is best for our country, and be able to put faith in God knowing that He has the people that we call our government in his hands. And if we have a solution, discuss it and share ideas off of people. If you get prideful and think that you know the solution to something, chances are you probably don't know it if you haven't talked about it with others.

I'm breaking this post into a 6 part series for each topic, just because of how late it is for me and I have to work in the morning, but I will come back Friday with Part 2 over Responsibility. Until then keep your heads up, your faith up, and for the dudes, lets Man Up.

Till Next Time

Grace and Blessings

Richie