I haven't posted in a while, and I apologize for that. I've been getting really busy lately and keep forgetting to update my Blogger and YouTube accounts. I promise I'm working on being better at this. I have a lot on my mind, and I feel that you, the reader, could greatly benefit from what I have to share with you.
Over the last several months, I've been feeling myself going in a very downward spiral in my faith and walk with Jesus. I've begun having this "I don't care" attitude towards people, God, and life in general. It's really sucked and I'll be honest, even with all the good things I've got going on (obtaining a job, getting a pay raise at said job, preparing to beginning renting my first house, etc), I still find myself feeling like in the end there isn't much hope for me. I literally feel stuck where I'm at, and the problem is, I don't know how to go about fixing the problem. I'm suffering from a broken heart, I constantly have self-worth and trust issues, I feel extremely unwanted most of the time, and more importantly, I'm feeling myself grow farther and farther away from Christ.
In a lot of ways, I feel, and I am, enslaved.
Normally, I really hate making posts that are going to be extremely depressing and will end up with me getting concerned phone calls from my parents. I can't promise this post won't end up like that. I can promise, however, that I am writing this with more of an "Outside-Looking-In" perspective. So with that said, I want to talk about the things that I'm pretty sure are making me feel this way.
DISCLAIMER: Some of the "things" are actually people, but I'm going to try and not make it seem like I'm calling any one individual out, so if certain parts of this post seem vague....they are.
In a sense, this post is more or less a spin off to my last post (ok, second to last post, link here: http://bit.ly/1dM3DgR). Why? Well, because I'm going to be going back to my issues with church in very slight more detail. I feel that explaining why the church, and more specifically, my church is causing me to feel the way I do without it sounding insulting, blaming, or dare I even say hypocritical may be close to impossible, but I'm going to say what's on my heart. Call it tough love.....really really tough love, but there's always a method to the madness, and I never do anything without a reason. So, to my church, please know that what you are about to read is not an attack. It's me communicating in a way that I can that there are issues that need to be addressed, challenged, and solved.
I may or may have not mentioned it in previous posts, but I got baptized Sept. 11, 2011. It was a good day and was a day I felt I needed to have happen. I had been wanting to be baptized for several years, but never had the opportunity until then. Looking back on it now after 2 years, I wish I had waited a little longer. Or even better, I wish I had been more prepared to face the spiritual battles that I would end up having to fight. I'm saddened more than I am anything about how ill-prepared I became for this new aspect in my spiritual life. I really feel like I was just thrown in the water and that was about it. I feel like I've had to fight the battles on my own. I feel like after I came out of the water, spiritually, I was abandoned. I'm not disciplined. Metaphorically, I feel like a Timothy without a Paul, and I can tell that if I don't find a Paul soon I'll be down to strong embers of faith at best.
There is what's known as the Five Love Languages. I won't bore you with all five of them, but I want to spend time talking about my number 1 language: Quality Time (and yes, I did the test, I scored 11 on this). Being someone who grew up a loner, having people spend quality time with me has always been detrimental in my growth, socially, mentally, and spiritually. Yet for some reason, even today, after all the growing up I've done and all the challenges and obstacles I've overcome, I still don't receive the thing I need the most. Now, I have to say that I'm not completely alone and I do spend time with people that I'm close to. I'm not belittling that. I'm also not saying that no one tries to spend time with me, however, I don't get enough. I don't get enough from my friends, but my church specifically. If you attend my church...or I guess, if I attend your church, and you're reading this and you've done things to be there for me, I don't want you reading this and thinking that I'm attacking or belittling that. I'm not. I'm very thankful for anything that you have done for me. I am, however, saying that if you want to know how to help me, actually be there for me. Call me out of the blue and invite me to do something. Seriously. I'm not that difficult. I'm really not. I'm willing to say that if more people went out of their way to be there for me to show they care, 75% of my problems will be solved and disappear.
Now I know I can't call out the speck in a brothers eye without first taking the log out of mine. I know I'm not that great at engaging others to try and find out how I can better serve them. It's something that I'm learning and something I'll have to keep practicing, but I'm still young and, as a young Christian, I know I can do much better if I have people be a better example. I know I can follow Jesus' example by myself all day long, but it's not going to mean much if I can't learn from people in my life. It's for reasons like this that I believe God made us need community.
So church family, if you read this, please know that I'm saying this as my way of calling for help. I love you guys and want to see God do big things with this congregation and the ministries in part, but I have to be blunt and honest. I feel that if things don't begin to change, that if people don't start getting out of comfort zones and begin to put discipleship into action within our own family, we will become stagnate and eventually die as a church. And keep in mind I'm saying this from an outsiders perspective. Elders (both title holders and actual elderly church family), train us youngsters right. Be there with us, for us, and by us as we try to become who Christ meant us to be. Because in the end, thats what I want to be.
To shift the focus off the church, and more on what's going on with me. I wanted to spend a little time talking about inner struggles and how I'm attempting to deal with them. My hope is that if you struggle with any of these issues, you can, at the very least, find comfort in knowing you're not alone, and hopefully I can share some insight on how to fight or deal with what's going on.
One of my biggest struggles right now is pornography. Not so much porn though as much as just lust in general. Yeah, I know. Taboo subject, but if you know me you'll know that I'm not really one to care about keeping social boundaries in place. I'm willing to put myself on the line by talking about this online, so I might as well go all out.
I first got introduced to porn at the age of 10, completely by accident. I stumbled into it on the computer at my house, and even though I didn't understand what it was, it left an impression that would later catch me into a trap that so many people, both men AND women, get caught into so often and so quickly.
So, instead of talking about the habit itself, I want to talk more about what I'm doing to try and fight my way through the habit so that way I can kick it for good and begin to heal in the areas where this has affected me, because it's affected me. If anyone ever tells you that porn is harmless....punch them....in the face.
No, I'm just kidding, don't punch someone. You'll go to jail for that. In all seriousness though, the best way I've heard the effects of porn are like being picked up real fast and then dropped like a sack of potatoes. It's not good.
I've been taking baby steps, big baby steps, but baby steps nonetheless to fighting this habit. When I face the temptation to go online and view, I do anything and everything I can to try and distract myself so I can get it away from my mind. If that means I have to go to a site that'll keep me busy reading, being interactive with, or just something that can engage me enough to keep me from going to a site, then I'll do it.
I feel alone, and that I think is the biggest reason why this is a struggle for me. There are quite a few posts out there that talk about how that plays a role in this habit, so I'll let you research that for yourself. Still though, it's an important aspect to keep in mind.
I know this is a lot for one post, so I'll stop here for now and do a part two later, but please, keep checking in and seeing where I'm at in life and where I'm going as I keep taking steps to reaching the goals I have.
Till next time
Richie Tha Rapper
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