Sleepy Thoughts?

Whew! So many thoughts. So little time to really think about em.

One flaw I have that I really wish I could do without is my ability (or lack of) to sleep well, at a decent time and quickly. One thing about me is that I think...a lot. Probably way more than anyone ever should. Kinda scary sometimes, really. Sometimes I'll be thinking about things that no other 19 year old would ever have cross their mind. It almost becomes an unwanted obsession. One that I'm fighting to get over.

I wanted to take a post to share just some of the things that I think about when I go to bed at night, and why I think I think really deeply about it.

A major concept that I think about a lot is being called to Heaven. Either by "Rapture" or physical body death. I don't really understand why that thought comes to mind all the time. I don't know when my time to go will be. I want to say that I'm fully ready to go, but at the moment, I'm not. Not saying that I don't want to go to heaven, thats not what I'm saying at all. I really feel that God has had me go through everything that I've gone through in my past to mold me for His use in the future. I know that I am in a place right now where I still have A LOT of learning to do myself. I really think that God wants me to use rap & hip hop for His glory. I really think that He is working on me right now so I may have a good album for "Godz Chisel'd Masterpiece."

Another thing I think about, which in this case is actually kinda normal, is trying to figure out Gods plans for me. I really think that it'll have something to do with Rap/Hip-Hop and with the whole child welfare services arena. Right now I don't fully know, but I'm working to humble myself so that way I may truly know. For all I know it may not mean me being a rapper or a Social worker. I don't know. But I really feel like both of the area's I mentioned will be heavily involved.

I know this is going to sound cheesy and I'm sure someone will probably laugh to themselves a little for this one, but I do think about women. I know you may read that and go: "Richie...that's a really broad topic to be thinking about." Well your right, so let me explain myself. In this day and age almost everyone is either in or really wanting to be in a relationship with someone. I admit that I get that way myself. A lot more than I'd care to acknowledge, but I do. With that comes just a lot of the basic things such as what do I think of the ladies that I might like that are in my life. Dating? Battling the thoughts of lust. Do they like me? Am I even mentally and spiritually ready to date a W.O.G.? Do I even want to date right now? Will it be a distraction? I battle with the thoughts of deserving. Part of me thinks that I do deserve someone right now, and then part of me thinks "eh maybe not right now." I get those thoughts because of my past. I think with this is a tribulation within itself. That it will build perseverance which builds strength which builds hope. I know God has someone out there for me. If she is here in Manhattan (even Kansas in general for that matter), another state, or even another country, I know God has someone out there waiting for me. Who knows. For all I know, if there is a woman of God out there who's heart is so in Jesus it might be good for me to look. It might help build my faith. I'll just have to wait and see.

One last thing that I think about is just my past in general. I have flashbacks to particular moments from my childhood. Even when I'm not in my room trying to sleep if I smell something that reminds me of a memory from my childhood I get an instant flashback. It's really weird yet cool that my brain can do that. But ya know...that's just a blessing from God.

I know this doesn't really go into huge detail about every little thought I have, but sometimes the things I think should just be kept between God and I (BTW, Correct grammar FTW lol). But with this I did have a small message. If you suffer insomnia as I do, don't worry about it. Philippians 4:6-7 (the verse I used in my last post) applies here. Read that and do as it says. God grants peace, even if may seem bad timed (like...3 am for instance) but rest assured that if you continue to fight your flesh and let God take control, things will begin to get easier. I know as I'm typing this I have thoughts that flash through my mind that I wish didn't, but I have to fight the anxiety of it. For if I don't I won't know the glory that God freely gives.

I'm going to stop for now, I'm actually starting to get tired now, but I'm sure I'll be back soon with another post. Till then Blessings and Grace

Richie Tha Rapper