Alright everyone. I'm bout get real for a moment. Tonight went from a good night to a disaster in a matter of moments. I haven't been honest about some stuff. And tonight I'm going to come clean on a few things. I'm going to say some stuff that will put me out there and expose me to the point where I could be blackmailed, but ya know what? At least I'm going to be flat out honest. You guys want to get to know me more well here it goes. Here's some of the biggest struggles I got goin on right now. I know I'm going to get judged for them, but I'm praying that God will let me persevere.
1) I've been struggling with smoking cigarettes. Yep. Sadly I do it. I've been trying to quit and it's been getting harder every time I try to. I've found it difficult to go cold turkey. I've tried cutting back, not being around people who do it, etc. I've even prayed over it. I don't see smoking as a sin, but, I know it's bad for my health and destroying my body, which is a temple of Christ, is. I hate the way I smell after I have a cig. I hate that my clothes smell like it, and just everything else that comes with it.
2) This struggle has had a better progression but the fact is that it's still there. I've been fighting with lust. I don't watch pornography as much as I have in the past. It's been about a month since I last viewed pornographic material, and I've been fighting to stay away from it even longer. But living in today's society it gets hard for me to keep my thoughts pure. And thats something I really have been praying hard over.
3) I've been struggling with anger I've had towards people in the past. I really have forgiven those that have hurt me, or at least I think I have. But the thing about me is that I'm a person that when things happen to me, I bury it down and it doesn't resurface till later. I try not to let my emotions show...ever. It takes a lot to upset me...like A LOT. But as I've grown up and have been able to understand everything that has happened to me over the years, I've realized that I do have anger. And I really have tried to be open about it to people who I trust, but sometimes I just think that they don't really understand.
4) One of the main things that I've come to terms with that I really am struggling with. I've had a problem with lying. It's something that I've kept deep down but I know I do it. It's something that I learned a long time ago as a means to survive. And I highly despise myself for it. I've lied about school mainly. I'm failing classes right now. I'm working hard to get my grades up, but I've not been honest about how I'm doing right now. I greatly hate myself because I've lied to those who care the most about me. I've lied to my great grandmother, my foster parents, and even my best friends. I want people to know this because this is what caused me to write this tonight. I'm at the brink of tears because I'm hurt. Not because of what people have done to me, but because of what I've done to people. I hurt one of my best friends tonight. And if that person decides that she doesn't want to be friends with me again, I wouldn't blame her.
I have a lot to work on, and I know I can't do this alone. I feel that I can't keep doing this music knowing that I have these things to work on. I've hurt so many, especially God.
I'm listening to "Half of Me" by Sho Baraka right now and the only thing I can tell myself right now is just how low I really am. I've contradicted everything that I want to stop. I don't deserve to do music. I don't deserve to rap. I don't deserve people to care for me. Most importantly I don't deserve God's grace through the death of His son Jesus.
But I want to change all of this, but I can't do this by myself. I need help, and I can't lie now, I've been scared to ask. I'm afraid of being judged and rejected. I know most of you will read this and by the time you get here you will have judged me. And I deserve that. But I'm asking for help. It's sad that I have to go to a blog to say this, but knowing that Jesus died for me to save me from sins and that He called me to go make disciples amongst the nation, I have to really ask myself "Am I doing His will?" Right now...no I'm not.
Right now I'm cold. My body is shaking because of that. Why I'm not shedding any tears right now is beyond me. I feel like I'm bout to throw up. Basically I'm at a low point right now and it's getting harder for me to see any peace coming my way. I know that God still loves me and that He wants to work in me, but I need to start letting Him.
You don't have to like me, ever want to speak to me, or anything ever again if you know me, but I'm asking simply for prayer. I really do feel isolated. I don't feel love. I don't feel like I belong. And I don't. But I want to feel accepted and wanted in peoples lives.
So there it is. Just wanting to keep it real.
Richie
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