I'm Turning A New Leaf...

Well tonight sure has been...interesting for me, to say the least. I previewed a beat for some people that I have meet on this Christian hip hop website, and as much as I appreciated the feedback, I felt that it could have been a little less...dogmatic. I got really hurt, and to be honest, quite a bit upset. But that was good. It helped me realize a few things with the help of some good friends of mine.

I have realized (and even got bluntly told) there are things about me, that I really need to change. My personality, but mostly my inner personality. I have come to full grasp that I have a problem with things of self. Esteem, respect, love. To name a few.

After going through a whirlwind the last several months...years? I have finally come to the harsh reality that I've been running from these problems and pushing them aside. I have been doing anything and everything that I can think of to get attention (well for the most part anything, but not quite to extreme. I'm sure whatever extreme thing you can think of I probably haven't done it, but anyways). I look back on my youth and realize that I was looked at as a charity case. I've realized that people have done nothing but pity me, and tonight I realized just how badly that has had a toll on me and my behavior.

I realized how much anger and resentment that I've had towards people over the years, and I've also been realizing why I've been having them. And it wasn't why I thought I did. I thought it was because people weren't there for me, but in reality, I wasn't there for me. I know that may kinda sound dumb, but as I think about it I realize thats so true.

So to cut to the chase. I'm turning over a new leaf, que the post tittle. I am going to work humbly with God to get myself changed for the better. I don't know what all is going to happen. I'm going to figure out what all I need to fast from, what decisions I'm going to need to make, and where I am going to go to make these changes. I know that this will be painful, but lets be honest, who ever fought for something that didn't go through pain?

There's a few things that I'm going to ask for while I'm going through this transformation.

#1) Prayer. Pray for me to get out of these chains that bounds me. To see myself the way that Jesus does. For me to finally let me love myself so I may truly love others.

#2) Honesty. If I am acting like I'm seeking your attention or acceptance or something like that let me know! Don't let me walk blindly. Let me know that your getting scared of it. The only way people can truly grow is if those around them are honest.

#3) Accountability. If you see me or hear me slippin' let me know so, again, I may be able to grow.

I'm really praying that God will guide me through this new tribulation and that I can have that faith to know that God will never fail. I'm seeking peace, and I know that He will provide.

Richie